Extra Crispy
February 14, 2018 10:00 am
Getty Images/Vesna Jovanovic

Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays where there’s no point in doing it half-assed. Either you think the holiday is pointless commercialism intended to sell chocolate and flowers and ignore it completely (also known as probably the correct position), or you think that, yes, it’s stupid, but it’s stupid fun so I am going all-in on that stupidity. If you find yourself in that latter group—and also happen to live in South Australia (a very important qualifier)—a company called Club Gold has the perfect Valentine gift for you: a 24-karat gold Cristal champagne-infused doughnut.

Priced at a mere AUD $100 (about USD $80), this special Valentine’s Day doughnut is available exclusively for the holiday and no more than 100 of the limited-edition treats will be produced.

Sadly for those interested in spending way too much on a doughnut in other parts of the world, Club Gold states that the doughnuts will only be available for delivery or pickup in the Adelaide metro area—meaning if you don’t happen to be one of the approximately 1.3 million people who live in the capital of the state of South Australia, you’re going to have to look elsewhere for your champagne-infused, gold-covered doughnuts.

Meanwhile, if simply wrapping a doughnut in gold leaf and filling it with expensive champagne is too tangible for you, Club Gold is also offering a more ethereal promise to its doughnut production as well. According to The Drinks Business, the gold-obsessed business is also willing to serenade your doughnut to the “gold” song of your choice while it’s being made—tunes like “Gold Dust Woman” by Fleetwood Mac and “Gold Digger” by Kanye West—all at no extra charge, apparently. What a deal.

And yet, as absurd as this all may sound, probably the most absurd part is that these “limited edition” doughnuts are actually not unique at all.

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Back in 2016, the Manila Social Club in Brooklyn, New York, made headlines with its Golden Cristal Ube Donut, which was described as being “adorned with icing made with Cristal champagne and filled with an ube mousse, champagne jelly, and covered with 24k Gold.” The cost… you guessed it… $100. At the time, Chef Björn DelaCruz said that the idea was his own.

Of course, Manila Social Club’s gold doughnut was about as likely to reach South Australia as these new Adelaide rip-off doughnuts are able to reach Brooklyn, so it’s not like anyone is encroaching on anyone else’s territory. And let’s be honest: It’s not like Valentine’s Day is the kind of holiday to emphasize original thinking.

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