Erin Mallory Long
October 26, 2013 8:00 am

I’m an excellent procrastinator. I mean, if you need to put something off or not get to it until the deadline, I’m your girl. (I’ll get it done BY the deadline, just not before.) There are lots of reasons you can find to not do something. Lots and lots. And I’m here to help you with those reasons.

It’s important to note that if you have a full time job, these steps will not help you during the week because presumably you have to go into your office. But as I am currently unemployed and doing writing from home mostly where the desire to work has to come from within, let me share the steps I take when I waste an entire day.

1. Don’t Shower Until 11am

If you shower BEFORE 11am, you might feel compelled to go outside and breathe fresh air and DO something. So make sure you stay in your PJs with your teeth unbrushed so you don’t get tempted to put on real clothes and focus on working. Whatever that may be.

2. Definitely Don’t Go to the Gym or on a Hike or Anything

If you work out then you’ll be FORCED to shower. Then, also, you’ll have stupid exercise endorphins and you’ll want to seize the day and stuff. That is not a good idea. This will not help you waste the day, come on people.

3. DO Watch TV

Do you have episodes backed up on your DVR? Watch them! Have you been dying to re-watch the entire series of Wings? Do it! Are you sick of everyone telling you to watch Friday Night Lights and you just never started because it seems so daunting? Start it now!

4. Wait, Did you Take a Selfie Yet Today?

Okay, eventually, we all cave and shower and actually accomplish things. But did you make sure to take a picture of it? How will you waste your day if you don’t spend a little time updating Instagram with the outfit you’re wearing? I started a whole BLOG dedicated to what my friend Sarah and I wear every day just to procrastinate! That’s how much of a pro I am!

5. Speaking Of, Have You Checked Twitter Yet?

Oh my god, you must check twitter IMMEDIATELY. What if something happened and you aren’t tweeting about it? There’s probably something to be offended about and you aren’t putting your two cents in! What is the matter with you?? Open twitter immediately and watch the minutes flash by.

6. See also: Facebook/Tumblr/Everything

Do you know how many pumpkin patches you’re missing seeing because you aren’t on Facebook right now? It’s a STAGGERING amount. There are also engagements, wedding, pregnancy announcements, births, divorces! I mean, so much stuff is happening on Facebook right now that you aren’t commenting on. (Just don’t forget to “unfollow post” if you comment on any of these kinds of pictures because you WILL get a notification every 3 seconds for that and that will waste your time but not in a good way.)

7. Next, You Need to Eat 

Have you really thought about what you want to eat? Ugh, do you even HAVE anything to eat? You better go to the store before you start doing anything! Didn’t you read somewhere that lunch is the most important meal of the day? Why are you wasting yours?

8. Okay, NOW You Need to Get To Starbucks ASAP

Starbucks is actually great for me to focus on one thing. Sometimes the thing I focus on, however, is checking my email repeatedly. Or, emailing a screenshot from that high school acquaintance’s Facebook page because WHY DOES SHE NEED TO SHARE SO MUCH? And then that becomes a whole other string of emails to respond to. But then also, who are those guys over there? What’re they talking about? Oh, they can’t remember Jessica Chastain’s name. Ugh. You better jump in and let them know. Now what were you doing….

9. Well, Now It’s 6 p.m. I Should Really Hunker Down And Do Something From Home

Open up Word, or Excel, or Final Draft or whatever. Actually do work for an hour. But not ALL the work you wanted to accomplish for the day, just a little taste of the work you hope to do for the week. That way you’ll teach yourself that your system of doing things ISN’T insane and you’ll be on the right track to waste many days in the future.

10. Open Up That Bottle of Trader Joe’s Wine Because You Have Earned It

Or a beer, or a martini or a soda or a YooHoo with a funny straw if you’re Chandler Bing. REWARD yourself! You did ONE thing you wanted to accomplish today and you wasted the rest of the day! You deserve this!

Follow these 10 steps and I can GUARANTEE you’ll be wasting time…in no time.

(Images of time wasting activities my own)

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