Every year, Santa makes a list. He divides it into two columns, naughty and nice, and he checks it twice, though I can’t even imagine him having the time to check it once over, but it’s part of the job I guess. Whether you fall in the first category or the second, however, is tricky to determine, especially if half of your attempts at being a good person ended up falling through due to an unexpected Freudian slip or the accidental spoiling of the Breaking Bad finale. Luckily, I’m here to settle your inner conflict. If you fit any or all of the points below, you may have earned a spot on Santa’s nice list this year:
1) You don’t hack someone’s Facebook when they leave it open on your computer.
Eve’s apple temptation is nothing compared to the attraction of an unprotected Facebook page. There are 3 ways to handle this situation. One, you can post an incredibly immature status (i.e. “Poop is my favorite food”). Two, you can take a humor approach and do something legitimately creative. Or three, you can unblinkingly log out of the system and go about your business. If you choose this final option, don’t expect any coal in your stocking this year. Unless, of course, you asked for coal for Christmas (shout out to all the coal miners out there) in which case, prepare for buckets of coal. Buckets.
2) When you split something to share, you give the other person the bigger half (on purpose).
I’m a little bit greedy when it comes to sharing food. My friends can attest to this. As an extremely picky eater, it’s hard to find things that I actually like enough to invest money in, so when someone tries to snag a bite, I tend to get possessive. Which is to say, I give them a nervous look and passive-aggressively move my plate farther and farther away from everyone else so it becomes too much of a hassle to reach for it. But on the rare occasion that I do share something, I always encounter that split-second thought that inevitably arises when you split a cookie or some other treat in half: which side should I give away? This fleeting life choice can say a lot about a person, and Santa (probably) keeps a close eye on these patterns. Anyone who willingly gives away the larger half is a better person than me and also 90% of the country.
3) You give people the last piece of gum and don’t lie about it.
Everyone knows that the piece of gum in your mouth was not the last piece. Only the honest people will actually pull out the pack and share.
4) You hear that your friend missed an episode of their favorite show and you don’t spoil it.
The relationship between a person and their favorite TV show is sacred and breaking that bond is almost as sacrilegious as living in New England and liking Starbucks more than Dunkin. While it’s very tempting to shout out what happened in the final episode of Sherlock when your friend admits to missing it, try to hold yourself back and you may find your name on the top of Santa’s nice list.
5) You find a bug in your room and you let it outside rather than kill it.
I’ve always had an immense respect (and disdain) for people who can see an insect next to their bed and not have an overly dramatic reaction. If you’re someone who takes the time and effort to capture a spider in a cup and lead it outside rather than squash it, you may have Santa’s respect.
6) You take the end of the bread loaf so no one else has to.
It’s common knowledge that the ends of the bread loaf are pigeon food. That makes it all the more surprising when you see someone reach into the bag and take out the first slice. Simply liking the end of the loaf isn’t enough to put you on the Nice List. No, the act has to be self-sacrificial. Meaning, you have to take those slices of bread so that no one else has to, not because you wanted them to begin with. Otherwise, it doesn’t count.
7) You don’t hate on couples when they act all cutesy in public.
Hating them is a natural human reaction, especially for singletons. Anyone who has the restraint to ignore them deserves a spot on Santa’s list, and also probably a medal or something.
8) You laugh at someone’s bad joke when no one else does so that they don’t feel bad.
So someone in your friend group just made a joke about badgers and library books that went over everyone’s head. Just before the silence reaches a level of awkward that is irreparable, you let out a laugh to prevent your friends sinking embarrassment from radiating out to the rest of the group. No one’s ever required to do this, but it’s always nice to help a sista out.
9) You volunteer as tribute.
Whether you’re in the Hunger Games or your friend wants to walk to CVS and no one wants to go with her, you enlist yourself in Santa’s “nice person” army when you agree to join them. Bravo.
10) You have an iPod jack in your car, but you let the other person choose the music.
When given the option of playing someone else’s iPod or your own, most people choose the latter because listening to your own music always seems more enjoyable than hearing someone else’s. At least, that’s what I’ve noticed. Some rare beings, however, will often offer to let the guest choose the music, which is far too generous to not earn a spot on Santa’s nice list.
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