Gina Vaynshteyn
January 10, 2014 8:00 am

Coffee is truly one of the greatest gifts from Mother Nature. One cup and I go from terrible morning ogre with tangled hair to a productive, creative, friendly go-getter with okay hair. If I don’t have my coffee, then I will probably hate everything.

So, to really get into character for this article, I abstained from having my morning coffee today. I don’t even want to talk about it. I hope you never have to experience these feelings, because I wouldn’t even wish them upon my enemies. However, I will say my deprivation reminded me of several scenarios one can run into without the proper dosage of A.M. caffeine, such as:

1. You get to work or school and realize your outfit is GOD AWFUL.

You’re wearing a shirt with a lasagna stain because you were too sleepy to notice it. You thought you put on capri pants but really, you’re just wearing a pair of jeans that shrunk. The only jacket you brought with you is denim and you’re already wearing jeans. You hide behind trees and big chairs for the rest of the day.

2. When you get to work, you have no recollection of how you even got there.

You could have been driving on the other side of the road for all you know, maybe going 20 miles over or under the speed limit, or driving in reverse the entire time.

3. Your boss gives you really important directions but you don’t hear him.

Well, you just kind of start to space out after a minute. But now you have no idea what’s going on, you don’t want to look like an idiot by asking him to repeat himself, and now you’re even more cranky because you just wish you had a cup of coffee before you left the sanctuary that is your house.

4. Really cute things PISS YOU OFF.

All the babies, the kittens pretending to be GIRLS, the huskies crawling on the floor like an infant, the screaming goats that sound like humans CAN ALL JUST GO F**K themselves. You’re not in the mood, so they can parade their cuteness on someone else’s laptop.

5. Your significant other texts you “good morning” and you wonder how they can be so inconsiderate.

Really? They text you “good morning”? That’s it? I mean, this person is supposed to care about you. They don’t even ask how your day is going (awful). Is “good morning” supposed to be a joke? You consider texting them to bring you coffee if they ever want to see you again.

6. You have conversations that lead to nowhere.

In fact, you don’t even remember them seconds later, even though you may have been talking about the zombie apocalypse and what it would be like if Lady Gaga took up acting (please god no).

7. The back of your head starts to ache.

It’s dull but terrible. It reminds you of the bag of Dunkin’ Turbo you have at home but never acted upon. You search for that fun-size Snickers you might have squirreled away in your purse, but you understand that no amount of sugar and chemicals can substitute coffee.

8. You surprise yourself with cravings for Poptarts, French fries, and Cap ‘n Crunch.

Whatever will fill the void.

9. You’re scandalously sleepy.

You’ll sneak a cat nap any chance you get. In between meetings and classes, before and after lunch and dinner. Any surface will do. Desks. Floor. Picnic tables. Grass. Car. Hey, a girl’s gotta go whatta girl’s gotta do.

10. You forget how old you are.

You also forget it’s your friend’s birthday, that your car needs gas, your cat needs food, your rent is due, and clearly that it’s time to get more coffee.

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