parry ernsberger
May 24, 2013 9:30 am

It seems like the general consensus from Tumblr users in regards to Yahoo!’s $1.1 billion acquisition of the social media and microblogging platform is, in typical internet fashion: “Go home, Yahoo!. You’re drunk.”

The internet hates change (see also: Facebook’s acquisition of Instagram) and many in the Tumblr community are concerned that Yahoo! is really going to eff things up. Their fear is seemingly well-founded: Yahoo! is significantly less “cool” than their biggest competitor, Google. They’ve been around for 20 years now (which is like, totally ancient) and are widely seen as second rate in terms of search, content and homepage aesthetics.

Translation: “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!”

But Marissa Mayer, Yahoo!’s President and CEO, thinks she can change that. More power to her if she can, but in the meantime, here are 5 Things We Hope Yahoo! Doesn’t Do To Tumblr:

1. Add a buttload of ads & banners: They may be a necessary evil, financially, for a site that was purchased for $1.1 billion and made only $13 million in ad revenue last year, but let’s face it: Ads and banners are the worst. Especially when they get too personal and/or are sponsored content disguised as legit content. If I’ve been posting about corgis on Facebook and all the sudden I’m being offered porcelain corgi statuettes in the targeted ads on the right side of my screen, that’s a giant dislike. And if I continue to accidentally click on an ad because it’s placed in such a way where I basically can’t avoid it, I’m gonna have a bad time.

2. Flood the site with Yahoo!-sies: Such as: 1. Trying to make us use Yahoo! mail and like, link our accounts or share what we’re sharing on Tumblr on Yahoo! or whatever. 2. Adding a news ticker. Period. No one using Tumblr cares about the NASDAQ. 3. Trending topics: Let’s just leave that to Twitter. Even so, I’m not impressed to know that “BELIEBERS LOVE JUSTIN” or “Miley Cyrus’ abs” are trending. If anything, that makes me sad for the state of our youth.

3. Adding user-specific stats: One of the greatest things about Tumblr is that it doesn’t resemble a clique. No one cares how many friends you have or how many friends like the photo of your feet at the beach or how many years you’ve worked at your fancy-sounding job that you secretly hate. Tumblr doesn’t discriminate and its users don’t either.

4. Trying to broaden its audience by alienating its current users: As previously noted, Tumblr thinks you’re great — However, it’s not generally used by old folks or young babes. Tweens, teens, young adults and savvy 20-somethings make up the majority of the site’s base and it’s clear that Yahoo! purchased Tumblr in a move akin to virtual botox. The second they try to start sophisticating or censoring, people are going to bail. Fast. Like, faster than Lindsay Lohan leaves crime scenes.

5. Bundling it with Flickr: This is a definite possibility. By joining up with Flickr (which Yahoo! purchased in 2005) and making Tumblr a photo publishing and blogging platform, they could attempt to give Instagram a run for their Facebook-fueled money. Right now, one of Tumblr’s biggest assets is that it’s both aesthetically functional and aesthetically pleasing. Smushing them together is going to be (in the wise words of Tim Gunn) “a lot of look.” Besides, can’t you just like, make Flickr cooler on its own and LEAVE TUMBLR ALONE?!

Featured images via SocialSteak.com, Tumblr

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