Dear Future Me,
Congrats, as presumably you have managed not to die in a fiery car crash or ended up committed to an insane asylum (if so, can’t say you didn’t see it coming). You may even have a reasonably normal life with mildly satisfying employment and an only semi-dysfunctional relationship with a member of the opposite sex. And here’s hoping that you have finally figured out how to style your hair into something more flattering than a ponytail.
Now, onto the essentials, for there was an important reason (besides applauding my obviously awesome survival skills) I have chosen to contact you. You are a writer, you like blogging as a medium and may continue to persist in this ‘hobby’ in the future (potentially with much more consistency). However, it is imperative that despite all temptations (and there will be many, especially as age begins to addle your sense of shame), that you DO NOT blog about the following topics:
- Gardening/Nature (mainly a photo blog of various flowers in bloom). Why not? Yes, nature is beautiful, but blogs about nature are infinitely boring because they are dead. They are words on a screen that do not actually capture being in nature. Also, you should not have time for gardening, and if you do, I will be extremely disappointed in you.
- A “Family” Blog (a so-called blog for all the relatives to see and keep track of your busy family life, with many photos). Why not? This is basically a year-round version of a “Family Christmas Letter.” I don’t care how often Grandma is going to check it, you know you’re still going to be talking to her every week anyways. Actual scrapbooking would be prettier if you’re going to waste your energy on “capturing” everything. Better yet, make friends with a scrapbooker and keep her heavy in the supplies and access to your picture files.
- Weight Loss “Journey” (recording every morsel ate and calorie burned). Why not? If you must keep track, don’t post it online. You’re not going to get a sudden following that cheers you on and envies your willpower. I don’t care how honest you are about your ups and downs, no one needs to know what you ate for breakfast three weeks ago. Keep it to yourself.
- Travel (an shoddy attempt at tracking your way around the world). Why not? If you can publicly share your travel stories without serious rewrites/omissions, they are crappy stories. And unless you’ve suddenly developed an adventurous streak and have a stash of ‘extra’ money, you will have crappy stories. Do not delude yourself into thinking they are interesting to anyone else but you and your semi-dysfunctional travel companion (he must be, right?). Also, stop wasting precious time in internet cafes on blogging when you could be catching up on celebrity gossip.
- Insane Ramblings About Pets (this is only if you become a cat lady). Why not? Your cats and kittens may be adorable replacements for human companionship, however, giving a play by play of what Mr. Snuffles (yes, your creativity with names has also died a slow painful death) likes to do around your apartment, is not really that healthy. Please reconsider the initial statement about not ending up committed to the asylum. (However, if Mr. S is looking particularly adorable one day, slip a pic to cuteoverload.com)
- Specific Celebrity Dedication (this may or may not be a cat lady thing). Why not? I fear what would happen if you picked a singular celebrity to obsess over. Your imagination is a powerful thing, maybe too powerful. This also goes for a movie or tv series or fictional character. Please…just no.
Okay, you, if these topics are avoided, I think you’ll do okay out there in the future internet. Especially if our society continues to evolve around technology and somehow our internet presence actually becomes our identity. You are so good at writing about emotionally-charged vague musings on life. Do not fail me now.
(Image via Shutterstock).