I need to start off by saying there’s no way I can do Idris Elba justice in this article.

He is just a mammoth of cool and sexiness and talent and swag all poured into one human being. I don’t even know how it’s possible. It’s literally like one day God decided to bless us by sending us a man who embodied the word cool and that man was Idris Elba.

I spend my days obsessing over actors. It’s true. What? You couldn’t tell? All I do is google actors I like and read their interviews and watch them in their early roles and stage our epic love story in my imagination. That last embarrassing detail is why I think I prefer crushing on great actors as opposed to models or rock stars or athletes. The better an actor is, the easier it is to cast him in any role you want him to be in your imagination. All the better for ludicrous fantasies…

Idris Elba somehow defies this pattern.

See, he’s this absolutely incredible actor. He was Stringer Bell on The Wire, Luther in Luther, Beyonce’s husband in Obsessed…the list goes on. He’s just this insane acting talent. He’s a chameleon. He’s also a stage trained British actor (which I maintain is proof that you are a good actor, even though I’m sure there’s some sort of exception to the rule that I haven’t heard of and prefer to pretend doesn’t exist).

And yet, it’s absolutely impossible for me to figure out in my head how we would ever wind up together in my fantasies because even in my fantasies he’s way too hot and cool and perfect to ever consider someone like me. I’m not trying to point to this as an example of me having low self-esteem. I mean, I have high enough self-esteem that I’ve imagined scenarios where every single one of the aforementioned “Crush of the Week” honorees would date me (or in the case of J. K. Rowling, be my BFF). I think my self-esteem is fine.

However, we’re talking about the coolest man alive. A man so cool that he was cast as Beyonce’s husband. Wrap your lovely and brilliant brains around that, guys. Idris Elba is so handsome, hot, cool and alpha that he could believably be married to Beyonce in a movie where she has reason to suspect he is cheating on her.

That’s how cool Idris Elba is.


Look, I have a healthy amount of self worth, but even I know Beyonce ranks higher than me and all of mankind (excepting J. K. Rowling and Adele, who are equal to her).

By the way, this is just the tip of the “Idris Elba is so cool he’s a frozen, chilling, Antarctic cold cool” iceberg.

He also is a professional DJ and it’s not even a hobby for him. He’s been “spinning”, as people who are cooler than me are wont to say, since his teens and opens for famous DJs all over the world. He also sings songs and does albums and music videos, because you know, he can.

His twitter profile actually looks like this. My twitter profile looks like this. My twitter profile is a vain attempt at “cool”. Idris Elba’s twitter profile is cool.

He looks really good in a suit, but he also looks like he has a fun, casual, relaxed time in a suit. Consider that. Idris Elba wears suits the way most people wear sweatsuits. He probably vegges out in tuxedos. His pajamas are a coat with tails. He’s the epitome of the expression “a man of style”.

Recently, it was gossiped that he might be the next James Bond, which would be amazing and perfect and inspired. I mean, what does an actor playing James Bond need except to be talented, tough, dapper, charming and great in a suit? Have I mentioned Idris Elba looks great in a suit?

Have I said enough? Are you convinced of Idris Elba’s coolness? Did you know that when a sudden breeze hits you in the face it’s because Idris Elba has moved a few feet closer to you in geographic distance? Because that’s true. That’s totally true. Okay, that’s not true.

But Idris Elba is so cool that…well, he’s just the coolest man alive.

He’s just so f*$king smooth, you guys. I can’t handle it.

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