Alyssa Moore
Updated February 25, 2017
Comedy Central

Stephen Colbert loves rescue dogs. But what he doesn’t love? Weepy animal shelter ads that go for the emotional jugular.

So the late-night host teamed up with actress Aubrey Plaza to make a more entertaining adoption ad. Their strategy for getting these tiny pups adopted? Some very tall tales.

One aww-inducing lab mix, Slugger, boasted shiatsu massage training in his pedigree. (OMG, we’re sold.) Luna, a terrier-shepherd cross, earned a degree in psychiatric medicine, and is now a certified couples’ counselor.

Heck yeah.

And a few puppies were remarkably social-justice savvy. For example, the adorable Murphy volunteers at the animal shelter in his free time. A hound named Ace not only had muffin-scented breath, but also an impressive devotion to women’s rights.

Life goals.

While the stories may have been totally bogus, the dogs are actually adoptable. And we’re hoping that their celebrity encounter will help the pups find a home pretty soon.

You can watch the full video (and all of the adorable puppies) here!

We need all of them. ALL OF THEM.