Kayleigh Roberts
April 16, 2016 1:56 pm
Shutterstock

I have never been to Coachella and I know that I never, ever want to go. Maybe that sounds a little close-minded or stubborn, but I don’t need to have gone to Coachella to know that I don’t want to, in exactly the same way that I’ve never gotten a giant scorpion tattooed on my face, but I’m still confident I don’t want to. Going to Coachella would be like a giant scorpion face tattoo for my soul, and I’m guessing I’m not alone. If you love Coachella (or just the ~idea~ of Coachella), this list probably isn’t for you. But if Coachella sounds like your personal hell, you’re not alone.

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Even if the rest of Coachella sounded awesome and perfect (which it doesn’t), it’s in the desert. If you like dry, hot climates, then Coachella is probably great, but I do not.

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It’s a ~party~
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I have nothing against parties or anyone who enjoys them. I’m sure parties are great, but I’m just a very boring human who would rather stay home and watch Kimmy Schmidt with a bag of Doritos no one expects me to share.

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It’s nothing personal, Coachella. Some people just don’t like being in loud places. I am one of those people.

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I think I’d need SPF three billion to have a shot at surviving Coachella.

Paramount Pictures / YouTube

And that seems pretty crucial to the Coachella experience.

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Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone at Coachella, but it’s worth noting.

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I would not be surprised if I showed up to Coachella and there was just a guy with a flamethrower guitar who chased me across the desert to my death. After the apocalypse hits, everything will be Coachella.

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