Why Coachella is my personal hell
I have never been to Coachella and I know that I never, ever want to go. Maybe that sounds a little close-minded or stubborn, but I don’t need to have gone to Coachella to know that I don’t want to, in exactly the same way that I’ve never gotten a giant scorpion tattooed on my face, but I’m still confident I don’t want to. Going to Coachella would be like a giant scorpion face tattoo for my soul, and I’m guessing I’m not alone. If you love Coachella (or just the ~idea~ of Coachella), this list probably isn’t for you. But if Coachella sounds like your personal hell, you’re not alone.
Even if the rest of Coachella sounded awesome and perfect (which it doesn’t), it’s in the desert. If you like dry, hot climates, then Coachella is probably great, but I do not.
I have nothing against parties or anyone who enjoys them. I’m sure parties are great, but I’m just a very boring human who would rather stay home and watch Kimmy Schmidt with a bag of Doritos no one expects me to share.
It’s nothing personal, Coachella. Some people just don’t like being in loud places. I am one of those people.
I think I’d need SPF three billion to have a shot at surviving Coachella.
And that seems pretty crucial to the Coachella experience.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone at Coachella, but it’s worth noting.
I would not be surprised if I showed up to Coachella and there was just a guy with a flamethrower guitar who chased me across the desert to my death. After the apocalypse hits, everything will be Coachella.