A cat-lover's guide to keeping our awesome cat obsession in check
I love cats as much as the next girl. At one time in my life, when I somehow ended up with TWELVE, I realize now, I was probably on the high end of the “Creepy Cat Lady” scale. They’re soft, they sort of care about you sometimes, and if they’re dissing you, it’s cool.
If you have a completely natural obsession with cats, you’re not alone. But maybe you don’t realize the vibe you’re giving off to non-cat lovers. It can get awkward. So, after years of fur-covered research, I’ve developed some fool-proof tips for cooling down your cat addiction for the benefit of those who just don’t get it.
Hold off on crafting gifts with cat hair
Although this should be assumed, some of you are probably busy preparing for the gift-giving season with a little cat-crafted love. If you must give a cat-inspired gift, do so without the use of anything once attached to your cat. You’re welcome in advance.
If you’re massaging the cat, don’t forget your partner.
Unfortunately, humans need affection too. Share the love. Your cat will understand (probably not).
Recognize how many conversations you’re having with your cat, per day, and subtract most of them.
Asking things like “what are you doing?” or “do you want something to play with?” are acceptable sometimes, but once you start expecting an answer, then you’re in trouble. Also, if you find yourself blessing the cat when he/she sneezes, take a look around and re-evaluate your life.
Remember: Winston can date Ferguson on TV, but in real life, it’s creepy.
Plus, how many cats are actually as freakin’ cute as Ferguson anyway? #realcatdate #notworthit
While we’re at it, don’t talk about your cats on dates.
I can’t think of a single time I’ve dated someone who cared as much about my cat drinking from the faucet as me. If you want a second, third, tenth date, save the cat talk for when you’ve been married forty years and have nothing left to say. Or really, just never.
Don’t talk to cats in a baby voice (in front of people).
Save this for when you’re alone. Trust. As a bystander watching others talk to cats in a high-pitched voice, it’s all kinds of creepy (and this is coming from a girl who does it). Lower your words, lose the forced eye contact, and walk away. Your cat isn’t really listening anyway.
Do a quick count of how many framed pictures you have around your place and/or on your phone.
Adhere to this scale if you’re unsure of what “too many” means. If you find yourself on the high end, consider removing a few or counting yourself out of the human race completely. (1-3 = a normal number. Aim for this. 25+ = the entire cat population is your best friend, and you’re okay with it. I can’t help you.)
Stop obsessing over which newsboy cap will look the cutest. Herringbone or Silverfish grey?
Your cat hates clothes. All of them. Realize you’re dressing them up for you and that they hate you for it. If these are feelings you’re okay with, do everyone else a favor and refrain from posting 700 pictures on Facebook.
If you’re on social media for the cat videos, shut the computer off.
This is a trick. The internet is a black hole of time suckage. If you stumble upon one cat video, seven hours and three pots of coffee later, you’ll still be there. Do yourself a favor and JUST SAY NO.
Likewise, if you only connect with people through cat noises, get out of the house.
While it’s perfectly acceptable to hiss in jest to show your strong feelings about a certain topic or person, it’s less acceptable to meow (ever), growl, or purr. If you find yourself making these noises, find the nearest human and cling to them like a life jacket. Scratch that. That’s too cat-like. Just hang out near them until you can speak with words and sentences and stuff.
Candace Ganger is a cat-crazed YA writer and marathoner, living in Covington, Ohio. Her two cats, Mamie and Baby Kitty, don’t give a crap about the trouble she’s gone through to give them a roof over their heads. If she’s not ghostwriting for other people’s fame or stress-baking, you can find her running through cemeteries or taming her two weird kids, not to be confused with her two weird cats.