If you have anxiety, then you probably have thought these thoughts about sexy time. And just know you’re not alone.
1. Did I wear cute underwear?
What if I didn’t wear cute underwear? What if I’m wearing period underwear? Should I go to the bathroom and check on the undie sitch? Should I just take my underwear off completely and stash it in my purse? Will that be weird?
2. What if I didn’t shower and they notice?
No, really. When did I shower last? Do I smell gross or just ~~musky~~?
3. The noises…
The horror! The horror!
4. What if the condom breaks?
Or what if it is has a tiny hole? Or what if it slips off?
5. What if I GET PREGNANT?
Life = over.
6. Am I making the right amount of sounds of approval?
Or do I sound like a dying animal? Is that sexy, perhaps?
7. Are they making the right amount of sounds of approval?
Are they enjoying this or are they having the WORST TIME OF THEIR LIVES?
8. I might be sweating too much. Am I sweating too much?
And no I’m not ~glistening~, my skin is full-on leaking H2O and it may or may not be very intense.
9. Did I just smear my eye makeup everywhere?
I worked SO. HARD. ON. THAT. SMOKY. EYE.
10. Are they doing all the work right now?
They probably think I’m just lazy, or really out of shape (I mean, maybe, but so what).
11. Have they had better sex than me?
Should I ask? Will that make things awkward? Will I feel badly about myself for the rest of my life?
12. What if I’m boring in bed?
Maybe I should do something CrAaAazY.
13. Like, should I spank them?
Just a casual lil’ spank just when they least expect it?
14. Is my dirty talk hottt or just really weird?
Should I just shut up?
15. Is that a stray hair on my thigh?
Oh god. Oh god. It is. Should I just pluck it out with my bare hands when they’re not looking?
16. I have to pee. Do I say I have to pee?
I knew I shouldn’t have had all that wine! Damn it!
17. Will I get a UTI?
This is a possibility. An extremely-like possibility.
18. How do I gracefully say this kind of sucks and I want to go to McDonald’s?
This is lasting way too long and I’m hungry.