Rachel Paige
April 05, 2016 5:08 pm

1. Driving somewhere new for the first time

I’m not great with directions. I’m not great with driving. So now let’s put the two of those things together and send me out in my little car into completely uncharted territory. Now TWIST! It’s somewhere I have to go at night and everything is dark and spooky and I can’t tell if there’s street parking available or not.

2. Going up in an elevator in a really tall building

Heights are downright terrifying, so if you’re someone who enjoys heights, you are x10 braver than I ever will be. Traveling up in an elevator like five stories is enough of an adreline boost for me. But what happens if I need to go to like, the 15th floor? Or even higher?? The sheer IDEA of traveling upwards some 100ish feet in a steel container being pulled up and down in a steel shaft via pulleys is very stressful to think about it. Sorry if you’re now thinking about it.

3. The lingering thought that I didn’t turn my hair straightener off in the morning 

Oh god. Is it off? Did I turn it off? Did I turn it off but not unplug it, and maybe ~somehow~ it accidentally got turned back on, and then everything else on my bathroom counter is flammable (nothing there is flammable) and everything catches on fire and my entire apartment building goes up in flames because I needed to have silky straight hair that day. DID I TURN THE HAIR STRAIGHTENER OFF??????????

4. What happens if I don’t have enough money to survive

Why do I need so much money to live and why don’t I have enough of it? Then before I know it, it’s 2 a.m. and I’ve been staring at my ceiling for 3 hours, trying to add up my monthly utilities, and I keep getting an absurd number, because numbers are hard.

5. Tunnels in general 

What kind of tunnels? All tunnels. Every single tunnel. Driving through tunnels. Underground tunnels. The idea that the Earth could give way and shift and you could be trapped in that tunnel. What else do you need to hear?

6. Going to any sort of event where I might not know everyone 

Sometimes you go to a friend’s house and everyone knows your name. Sometimes you go to a friend’s house and they’ve invited a new group of friends to hang out, and you have to awkwardly introduce yourself to everyone, and what happens if I don’t immediately click with everyone? What happens if they don’t like me? What happens if I just stay home instead and not go out in the first place?

7. Trapping a bug underneath a cup, and then killing it 

What happens if the dime-sized bug, through some miraculous force, jumps up at me, and lands on my skin and then just starts sucking my blood because that could happen, right? Oh god. I can’t do this. [Grabs 35 paper towels, because yeah sure THAT will make sure it’s dead]

8. Getting lost somewhere, anywhere, with my phone battery at 15%

The great thing about this ~modern age~ is that I’ve got the world at my fingertips, thanks to my smart phone. A smart phone that needs to be charged all the time, otherwise it will die on me. And the one day it completely dies on me is the day I’ll really need it, and I’ll be left stranded without a smart phone and no way to communicate with the world to send out an SOS sign. Halp.

9. The fact that cruise ships exist 

Am I taking a cruise in the near future? No. Have I taken a cruise before and survived? Yes. Do I still lie awake at night, thinking about the strange sorcerer that keeps the giant ship upright and not tip over and just like, how does that work? The thought of a relaxing beach cruise should not give me anxiety, because of the boat aspect of it.

10. The idea that no one will ever truly love me and I’ll be alone FOREVER 

Oh hey, do you sometimes suffer from crippling thoughts like, “For who could ever learn to love a beast?” OK, that’s a line from Beauty and the Beast, but you know what I’m talking about. Glad everyone else around me is happy and cheerful and coupled off. I’m heading back to The West Wing.

11. Being set up on a blind date

SELF. EXPLANATORY. But ok, I’ll explain it: what the heck are you supposed to talk about with this random stranger?

12. Having to return something at a store not because it’s broken or the wrong size, but just because

Know how when you return something, the cashier usually asks, “What’s wrong with it?” And normal people are always like, “Eh, nothing, just didn’t like it.” Well I’m like “Oh god, I’m so sorry I didn’t like this, and then I started thinking about it, and it was too much money, and I just can’t right now, but I tried it on, twice, and I took a few pictures in it, but I didn’t wash it, and I know that’s gross, and I’m so sorry to inconvenience you, and I’m-”

And the cashier is like, “Cool.”

13. When someone doesn’t text me back right away and I fear the worst

Sure, they’re probably just busy. Or there’s been a catastrophic event that hasn’t hit the news yet. One or the other.