Last week, I spent five minutes comparing arms (I know, who does that?!) with friends. Even though I was the shortest person in the group at 5′ 5″, my wingspan was pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. In terms of height, I’m just north of average but always find myself knocking things over or running into people thanks to my spider-like arms, which only begin to explain my inherent clumsiness.
If you have klutzy tendencies, basic experiences can get pretty embarrassing and awkward on a regular basis. Maybe you’re constantly apologizing for spilling drinks on mild-mannered people who don’t know how to respond to your clumsiness, or you’re avoiding specific articles of clothing or footwear to minimize the amount of disasters in your life. But as an accident-prone individual, you know it’s only a matter of time before you fall face-first onto the pavement or ruin another outfit with your cup of coffee. Here are some truths that clumsy and accident-prone people know all too well.
1. Always having a collection of bruises
A few months ago, I complained of discovering six giant black bruises on my legs, and though I knew falling into a table had caused at least three of them, the rest were a mystery. One co-worker joked that I was really being taunted by evil spirits like the mother in The Conjuring, but in reality, I was too clumsy for my memory to keep up with. If you’re always finding bruises on your skin, start eating spinach. . . and accept that you’re kind of a hot mess klutz.
2. Being an extremely noisy walker
It doesn’t matter how many years of ballet you completed: you cannot walk around the house without being disruptive or making a ton of noise. You could be 100 pounds and still move like a mammoth.
3. Accidentally knocking stuff over when telling stories
This is especially problematic if you talk with your hands. The last time I did this, I flung my boyfriend’s spoon off our table at a restaurant. No fast movements or violent gestures in public places. You can’t handle it.
4. Losing your balance on the street and knowing all eyes are on you
All is wonderful until your ankle slides to the side and suddenly you lose your balance. More often than not, you catch yourself, but everyone’s eyes are on you for the brutal 10 seconds that follow, and pulling yourself together for a swift recovery is impossible under a microscope. STOP STARING, GUYS! I’M FINE!
5. The fear of high heel disasters at important events
Heels almost always make a good impression at job interviews, but if you struggle to walk in them, you’re probably better off with flats. You accept the fact that your chances of gaining employment might go down if you don’t wear heels to the meeting, but anything is better than a clumsy moment. This goes for weddings too, because who wants to be remembered as the girl who tripped down the aisle?
6. Having the napkin stick to the bottom of your drink glass at restaurants
No one is going to click glasses with you during the “cheers” ritual if this happens.
7. Your bottled beer overflowing
This used to be such an issue for me that my boyfriend actually suggested I pour my beers into a glass. Anything is preferable to a volcanic explosion of alcohol on the couch. It’s sticking and disruptive as well as embarrassing. May as well invest in some reliable sippy cups!
8. Apologizing too much because you’re always spilling stuff on people
Unfortunately, “sorry” only goes so far until you begin losing friends. Even if people say they’re cool with your clumsiness, particularly in crowded environments where spillage is inevitable, they’re not too happy about you dumping liquid onto their new Michael Kors bag.