Gabi Conti
May 19, 2014 4:28 pm

We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of watching your favorite TV show online and then…buffering.

So you walk away for a second and come back. Still buffering…

Suddenly, you’re getting flashbacks of waiting for that guy you were kinda sorta seeing to text back. Texting yourself just to make sure your phone works. Oh it works. He’s just not that into you, and right now, neither is your Internet provider.

But it’s not you. You’re not alone. Everyone’s Internet is getting slower.

This is because of the battle of broadband network neutrality. If this battle doesn’t resolve, you’ll be stuck with paying more for slow WiFi. Oh the humanity!

It’s essentially an Internet brownout, and many customers are already dealing with it. MAYBE. EVEN. YOU.

Did you have to refresh this page? See…

Take a deep breath, and keep calm. I’m sure this will work out. But whatever you do, don’t do the following:

1. Live Tweeting Your Insanity

The above is from that one time I had insomnia. Insomnia and a bad WiFi connection are kind of the same thing. In the sense that they are both super frustrating and you don’t know when the madness will end. So you don’t have WiFi, but you do have a signal on your phone. Maybe you should live tweet your mental breakdown? Cause if there’s one thing your followers want, it’s a play-by-play of you going insane. Don’t do this. No one needs to know that you think you’re a cat sometimes. That’s just creepy.

2. Eating All the Food

I better eat this pint of ice cream before it goes bad! I’m not stress eating! I’m just being resourceful! – You think to yourself as you dig in. Put down the spoon. You’re not Beyoncé. You waking up in the kitchen with Half Baked everywhere is not a good look. Also ice cream doesn’t really expire…

3. Smashing Your Computer

Like that time my best friend threw her pink razor phone across the room because she was fighting with her boyfriend at the time. Throwing your laptop across the room won’t fix your WiFi, it will just break your computer.

4. Calling Your Ex

You know who you haven’t heard from in a while? Your ex. He said someday you guys could be friends. It’s been a week. You’ve been playing it cool. Why not give him a ring and get an ETA on that friendship? Put down the phone, and while you’re at it, delete his number. Don’t let it come to this.

5. Reenact Game of Thrones with Whatever is in Your Studio Apartment

That mop over there kind of looks like Daenerys. Who needs HBOGO When you can HBO-go-over-to-the-linen-closet-and-make-up-your-own-next-episode. Don’t let it come to this.

6. Finally Figuring Out How to Knit


Knitting was a thing celebrities did that one time. Why knot? (See what I did there?) If you’re doing something because it’s trendy and not because you actually want to do it, I would say um… next?

7. Seeing If That CD-ROM Still Works


I’m not even sure if these still exist. I don’t know if the slot on your MacBook Pro even takes CD-Roms. I would say don’t do this, because it might tie up your cellphone line.

Bottom line is your WiFi might be crappy. On behalf of your Internet providers, I’m sorry. But on the bright side, if you can’t get online, maybe try being offline. Chat is the new G-chat. Face to face is the new Facebook. Sometimes clarity can come from disconnecting.

To quote AOL, “goodbye.”

Images via , here, hereherehere and here.

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