Shawn Kathleen
August 10, 2013 10:00 am

Today’s air travel is enough to make you find a secluded bathroom stall in the terminal where you can quietly hang yourself with your own belt. In order to prevent devastated family members and PTSD for the custodian discovering your body, I have decided out of respect for the flying public to provide you with a few insider travel tips.

1. Pack a lunch from home, or purchase food in the terminal prior to boarding.

The majority of domestic routes will not be serving meals inflight. Moreover, if they do, it will probably be a miniature bag of cookies or potato chips that you will need to purchase. Luckily, many airports offer numerous healthy options to choose from including fresh fruits, yogurt, veggie platters, wraps, hummus, salads, gourmet sandwiches, and even sushi. Also, if you would like a “free” snack or $7 cocktail during your flight, you’ll probably need to book a $3,000 first class ticket.

2. After the completion of packing your luggage for your upcoming trip, go ahead and remove one-third of its contents.

You really don’t need it. Trust me, I’m a professional! Also if you are unable to lift the bag by yourself, unfortunately it must be checked. Due to company policy and the potential of injury, most flight attendants are only permitted to “assist” in the stowage of bags, and are not able to actually lift them. I promise it’s not because we don’t want to! Fellow passengers always seem to be helpful with lifting heavier items, plus it’s a nice way to meet your travel mates for the next few hours. If you need help in finding a spot in the overhead compartment, let us know and we might be able to move items around to find you one.

BONUS TIP: Don’t ever challenge a flight attendant to the game Tetris, you won’t win.

3. Hitting up the bar for a little pre-departure beverage in the terminal is all good, however it is against Federal Aviation Regulation to board any aircraft while intoxicated.

Erring on the side of not getting sloshed is probably your best bet if you don’t want to pay for a hotel room to sober up and travel standby the following morning.

4. Wear layers.

As I am sure you are aware planes are typically chilly, and unfortunately blankets aren’t readily available these days. I just play it safe by following Mom’s advice given to me as a child; always bring a sweater to the movies, or whilst traveling on an airplane. Why? Because these venues are always freezing! Also, if you travel a decent amount, shelling out $10 at a big box store for your very own personal travel blanket and pillow set is a great investment. Plus, no one else has used it!

5. If you need to practice yoga, we kindly ask that you do so somewhere other than in the back galley.

This area is the workspace of the fabulous crew attempting to serve you! Also, if we are seated and attempting to eat our only meal of the day, our preference is to not have your (no longer) private parts in our face. Not. Very. Appetizing.

6. When an onboard announcement or a flight attendant asks you to turn off your electronic devices, please just do it.

Trust me when I say this, we do not enjoy repeatedly asking travelers to do so, and contrary to popular belief it is not a power trip for us. If anything, it is monotonous and can prove to be incredibly frustrating to ask adults to follow a few simple requests. While you may have to experience the horror of being alone with your own thoughts for a few minutes, in the end it will help to prevent a delay for everyone on board.

7. Kindly check “travel dread” at the ticket counter for stowage into the belly of the plane.

Flight attendants have to park at the airport, take shuttles and go through security just like you, so trust me — we totally get it! Air travel is not always wonderful, and we would love to be the person responsible for improving your experience. After attending to your safety, we are here to make your flight a happy and comfortable one!

We’re all in this together, yo.

Featured image via Ubersuper.

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