Mia Galuppo
September 13, 2013 8:00 am

On Tuesday, Apple released the iPhone 5S and 5C and the stock market threw a little temper tantrum and was like “I don’t think so” because they were worried that emerging smartphone markets, like China and India, would see the less expensive (but still relatively pricey) iPhone 5C and be all like “that ain’t worth it.”

But never fear, Apple! I have prepared several well thought out technological wonders that are sure to make the NASDAQ be like “I can dig it.”

1. 3D Printer for Food

I know that there is a lot of hype about this new super cool technology, being that it can be used for medicinal purposes, but I ask you take a moment and consider the untapped potential of 3D printing: French fries. And not just French fries, but French toast or a nice French dip. Heck, the cuisine doesn’t even have to be Parisian.

2. Nicotine Patch for Facebook/ Twitter

There are a few things in life that are anatomically addictive: Cigarettes, Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, friendship, “The Deadliest Catch,” office supplies and social networking. I can stop whenever I want, I swear. But, I wouldn’t mind a little assistance.

3. A Cat That Has Feelings

Where evolution went remiss, capitalism can amend.

4. Motor Powered Heelys

Apple should create these foolproof vehicles of annoyance if for no other reason than to remind us of how great the world once was before the advent of the motorized Heely. Live in the now, people, because one day movie theaters could be overrun by tweens made increasingly mobile by their footwear. Think of all that loitering.

5. The “Clueless” Computer Program that Randomizes Outfits

How can anyone ever expect you to choose between your bedazzled khaki capris, crocheted gaucho pants or knee-length floral skort? You shouldn’t have to. So, leave it up to fate or a complex algorithm that I don’t understand.

6. Live Action Candy Crush

Because PETA wouldn’t be too keen on live action Angry Birds.

7. Segways

I know that they were already invented, but where did they go? Apple, listen. Bring the transportation of the future back and watch that stock soar!

Featured image via.

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