From Our Readers
June 12, 2013 6:30 am

Sloths are awesome, like really, really awesome. Any animal that can have me in a squealing fit just by taking a bath has to be pretty damn cool right? And I’m gonna tell you exactly why sloths are awesome, using the magic of bullet points.

• The Sloths family is old.

When I say old, I mean like mammoth old. The Megatherium, an ancient ground sloth was hanging around the Earth a looong time ago. And they were big, as big as elephants, with claws the size of your forearm. Scary, huh? But don’t worry, not only were they herbivores, but also, we’re not living in the past. We’re living in the now, where sloths are teensy and cute and awesome.

• Sloths are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

Okay, so there are two-toed sloths and three-toed sloths. You would be forgiven for thinking that the two-toed sloth has two toes, but nope, uh uh, they are tricksy little things. The two-toed sloth actually has three toes, just like the three-toed sloth. They do however, only have two fingers. Craziness.

• Sloths are not always super slow.

Now usually, sloths are pretty happy to just chill, hanging onto their branches, having a good time. But sometimes – dun, dun, dun! – sloths go from Zen to sixty. Those claws are not just for hanging out you know. When the sloth is threatened, they will run. At you. Upside-down. With claws. You see what I’m saying, don’t you? Sloths are like Spiderman, crossed with Wolverine, and that is pretty damn cool.

• Sloths are gross, in an awesome way.

Even though sloths are cute and awesome, there are still mean things that want to kill them, like Harpy Eagles, Jaguars and nasty people that have never seen a sloth video. So what’s a sloth to do? Grow algae of course! Sloth fur is the perfect moist environment for algae to grow, so it does, giving the sloth a greenish tint that, combined with the sloth’s super slow movement, makes the sloth camouflaged. The sloth also likes to lick the algae off as a snack. Om nom nom!

• Sloths aren’t good at being dead.

Speaking of people wanting to kill sloths, here’s another cool fact. Sloths don’t have much muscle mass, but they do have those super awesome claws that we talked about. Those claws allow the sloth to hang onto the tree branch with no worries at all. Sloths are so good at hanging on, that they’ve been known to die and not drop. Can you imagine that? “So Bill, I was wondering, were you gonna eat that yummy looking algae all to yourself? Bill? Bill? Oh.” Poor Bill.

• Sloths love chocolate too.

Okay, not actual chocolate, but they love hibiscus flowers, which are totally the same thing to them. They go mad for it. And not only do they love their yummy chocolate substitute, they understand our need for sweet treats too. Have you seen the viral video of Matty, the three-toed sloth giving his handler, Claire, a hibiscus petal? No? You NEED to. Matty knows how to get his romance on.

• Sloths have trouble finding a man.

Sloths are chillaxed about everything, and that includes making babies. Generally sloths will reproduce and give birth to a super-cute baby sloth once a year, but sometimes it can take a little longer than a year. Why? Because sloths move super slowly, so it can take a while for a lady sloth to find a man to do the dirty with. Sloth speed dating totally needs to be a thing.

• Sloth videos make everything better. EVERYTHING.

Feature image , Image 2

You can read more from Tilly Vanilly on her blog.

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