The holidays are somehow officially upon us already, and we feel like we’re not at all prepared for them. Once upon a time, this festive season was cause for celebration, but these days it just makes us sweat the requisite excessive spending on travel and gifts and all of the forced interaction with people we love but don’t necessarily like (kidding, mom). To help those of you who are of a similar mindset, today we’ve put together a last-minute guide to surviving the upcoming holiday blitz. Here are the 6 things you’ll absolutely need if you have any hope of making it through to January:
1) A Believable & Respectable Excuse For Not Buying Gifts
We don’t mean to be greedy, but we work hard for our monthly pittance, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to spend it on stuff our treasured friends and family are only going to pretend to like or make use of. Instead, we suggest donating $5 to $10–or whatever you can afford–per person on your list to a typhoon relief effort (Red Cross, here). When you tell your loved ones you gave aid in their name, they might be pissed you didn’t get them a “real” gift, but they can’t admit it out loud without making themselves look like selfish a**holes. Consider the guilt you’re simultaneously gifting them with to be a stocking stuffer of sorts.
Unless you’re one of those girls with amazing self-control who eats like a tiny delicate bird at all times (we hate you), chances are you are going to stuff your freaking face this month. Since you can’t wear sweatpants out to most holiday soirees, we suggest swooping up the next best thing–a winter white lace party skirt with an elastic waistband. That’s right, fatties–you can have your cake and eat it, too! Or something.
For most of us, holiday gluttony and excess obviously extends into the realm of booze, and sometimes it’s nice (or necessary) to keep the hangover under wraps. So, rather than chowing down on a giant burrito or ranch-dipped fried chicken tenders, why not entice mom or grandma or whoever is within stone’s throw of the kitchen to throw together these? After all, you are a sophisticated (and festive!) drunk.
Okay, so we actually looked pretty hard for a “secret” flask more appetizing than this one, but to no avail. The good news about drinking from something that looks like a tampon is that your parents are more likely to get you therapy than rehab, which is nice because you really need therapy, whereas you’re only driven to drink when the extended family is around to incessantly remind you of your waning fertility.
5) A DVD Copy Of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
If your dad is anything like ours, he is going to insist you watch A Christmas Story at some point over the holidays, and in some cases you might even be forced to endure this torture more than once. Since the movies you really want to watch while on break are probably going to be met with a solid “not a chance in h-e-double-hockey-stick,” (but dad, James Marsden is sooooo cute), we suggest you pack a copy of Anchorman somewhere in with all the dirty laundry you’re bringing home “for” mom. Dad will hardly be able to argue that a re-viewing of the original Anchorman is necessary prior to the family outing to see the new Anchorman 2. Trust us–60% of the time, this works all of the time.
6) This Really Sad Thing
Look, the holidays can get lonely. Some of you might be lucky enough to be paired off, but the rest of us need a little help making it through to January without wanting to electrocute ourselves with
Christmas lights. And while we admit that this Boyfriend Pillow ® isn’t the perfect solution, it will have to do until science has figured out how to clone Jon Hamm. Happy freaking New Years, creepy stuffed one-armed pillow/hug.
We hope this holiday hitlist helps you survive the upcoming onslaught of buffets, quality time with the fam, frustrating travel, and, of course, existential angst at the passing of yet another year in which you are no closer to achieving any of your long-term goals. To that end, we’ll see you in January for the making of all-new resolutions for 2014. In the meantime, goodbye and good luck!