Paramount Pictures
Karen Fratti
October 02, 2017 9:01 am

We all have those friends who, as soon as the weather changes and leaves start to fall, start plotting their Halloween night. They’re stoked: Armed with a Pumpkin Spice Latte, they hit the party store and start stocking up on fake spider webs and pumpkin decorations. They’ve known what they want to be for Halloween since, like, July. When you’re the kind of person who’s already gone through the stages of realizing you hate Halloween years and years ago, you possibly can’t stand to even be around these friends this month.

Hating Halloween is a certain kind of hell.

It’s probably a little easier than Christmas (since everything is so jolly) but still, hardcore Halloween lovers really don’t like it when you try to put a damper on their plans and decide to stay in and eat chocolate by yourself on the big night. People who love Halloween will never understand the people who loathe it, which is why you might still be trying to fake your way through October. Here are some of the stages everyone who hates Halloween goes through.

1You’re never been scared at a haunted house.

Seriously, what is so “spooky” about fake skeletons and rubber vampire fangs anyway? Paying $20 to go on a “Haunted Hayride” or walk through some fake-ass haunted house makes absolutely no sense to you. It’s not scary, it’s sort of cheesy, and often cold. What is fun about this again?

2You don’t miss trick-or-treating.

Sure, when you were 10 years old, trick or treating was sort of fun. But by the time you turned 16, Halloween night was more about getting to walk the streets with your friends on a school night than anything else. You don’t feel nostalgic at all about knocking on strangers’ doors for bite-sized Hershey bars, even though your Halloween-loving friends insist on pointing out all the “cute” kids in their costumes out for the night. Nah, not doing it for you at all.

3You haven’t really dressed in costume for years.

You’re a true Halloween hater if you’ve somehow managed to get out of a real costume for years. You might put on a headband with cat ears or something, but there’s no way you’re putting on an actual costume to go to a party. Like, really, what is the point? Even having to think about what you’re going to wear on Halloween night gives you hives.

4You know it’s an amateur night.

All of your friends are really excited to hit the bars in their costumes and PARTY. But when you think about going out on Halloween night, it’s literally the worst. People who never go out are out and yelling and taking shots wearing wigs and itchy fabric from pre-packaged costumes. “Monster Mash” is playing on the jukebox. Can you think of anything worse?

5You fantasize about not doing anything at all.

Much like New Year’s Eve, Halloween is often turned into an obligatory performance. If you stay in and watch movies alone, you really have to be cool with it, because as soon as you scroll through Instagram, you might get some major FOMO. Also, it’s hard to break it to your friends that you just really don’t want to go to the costume party, especially if everyone’s going to be nosy about why you’re not wearing one. Don’t worry, hater, you’ll get to a point eventually where you don’t care.

6You really won’t budge, not even for love.

If you’re in a couple with someone who loves Halloween, we are so sorry. It’s going to be OK. Although there are compromises you should make in relationships, dressing up as Bonnie and Clyde has you considering breaking up for just one night. Your niece and nephew are cute and all, but holding their hand through the costume parade has you dying a little on the inside. You know your hate is real when you won’t indulge the people you love.

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