Tyler Vendetti
October 06, 2014 9:41 am

While wandering through the Internet the other day, I stumbled upon an article listing all of the words named after famous people. For example, “mesmerize” was named after Franz Mesmer, a doctor from the 1800s who believed he could cure people by staring into their eyes and letting his “natural human magnetism” flow into their bodies. What’s even less logical than the doctor’s method is the fact that he was awarded his very own word as a result: mesmerize. If people like Mesmer can pry their way into the dictionary by literally staring at people, why can’t Beyonce get her own word? Or Ellen? What would those words look like? I have some ideas:

1) Yoncé (adj.): flawless

Named after: Beyoncé Knowles

Ex. You can sing, dance, and make 30-minute brownies in 20-minutes? Girl, you’re yoncé.

Beyoncé has already left her mark on the animal world thanks to Scaptia Beyonceae, the bee who was named after the Queen herself, but her influence goes way beyond that. At least, it should. I’ve hardly ever seen Beyoncé’s name in the news without it being accompanied by “flawless.” Creating a word to represent that connection seems like the next logical step.

2) Lejellen (adj.): possessing an inexhaustible joy for helping others

Named after: Ellen Degeneres

Ex. The lejellen girl skipped the Walking Dead premiere every week to work at the local charity.

Whenever I start to lose faith in humanity, I open up an Ellen clip on YouTube to remind myself that there are still good people left in the world. How she musters up that much energy every week and shares it with the world, when I can hardly motivate myself to untangle my iPod headphones in the morning, I will never know. That alone deserves some recognition (I’m looking at you, Oxford English Dictionary).

3) Bellothism: love of sloths

Named after: Kristen Bell

Ex. At the zoo today, some girl had to be taken away in an ambulance after succumbing to bellothism. Needless to say, the zoo may need to rethink their sloth exhibit.

Speaking of Ellen, the comedian invited actress Kristen Bell onto her show last year to talk about the star’s obsession with sloths. Anyone who has seen the segment knows that “obsession” is not an understatement; never have I ever seen someone so emotionally affected by a creature that doesn’t meow. The sheer number of Internet memes centered around sloths tells me that Kristen is not the only one suffering from this nameless fixation.

4) Tomump (v.): to jump on a couch

Named after: Tom Cruise

Ex. My kids tomump in the living room every evening until they pass out.

Out of all the celebrity name’s on this list, Tom Cruise’s is surprisingly the most difficult to turn into a word. “Cruise” is obviously already taken, as is “cruiser” and “cruising,” leaving me with no choice but to adapt his first name. Tomump was the closest thing I could find to a real-sounding word, so I’m going to stick with it. How are we supposed to pretend to be Taylor Swift during our private bedroom dance parties if we don’t even have a word for “enthusiastically jumping on couches”?

5) Efronagle (v.): to escape the chid star associations and have a grown-up career

Named after: Zac Efron

Ex. Remember when Zac Efron was on High School Musical? Me either. He successfully efronagled his way out of the system.

A mix of “finagle” and “Efron,” efronagle refers to the shedding of the “Disney child star” label that all too often plagues young actors and actresses trying to make a name for themselves. With his string of romance films, Zac Efron has been able to successfully shatter the child star grip on his image.

6) Dicapriwhoa (n.): a beard that is past its appropriate length, yet still surprisingly sexy

Named after: Leonardo DiCaprio

Ex. He’s working a serious dicapriwhoa.

After seeing a picture of Leo’s untamed facial hair and immediately thinking “DiCaprio? More like DiCapriWHOA,” I realized that my inner commentary is about as intellectual as Danny Phantom’s, and also that unkempt beards really need a better name. The connection seemed only natural.

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