Jen Juneau
May 03, 2016 10:41 am
Disney

The first time I saw Disney’s 1973 animated movie Robin Hood might’ve been the first time my child self wondered if it was possible to marry a cartoon character. To my great amusement, a lot of adult women around my age share the same sentiment. And it’s no surprise we all felt this way; the titular character robbed from the rich and gave to the poor with bottomless swagger, way before swagger was a thing. From the British accent to the side-eye mastery, the animated-fox version of Robin Hood makes even Kevin Costner look like he’s trying way too hard.

From the opening credits with the famous “Whistle-Stop” playing in the background, to the happily ever after, Robin Hood is a Disney masterpiece – and the best on-screen version of this classic story to date. In fact, it’s somewhere among my top five favorite Disney movies. But even today, as I watch it for approximately the 867th time, there are still a few questions I have that I’d like to see tied up in a sequel, or vignette, or something.

What kind of kissing power removes gems from rings?

One of the first scenes – after the iconic opening “Oo De Lally” scene, of course – depicts Robin and his sidekick, Little John, donning fortune-teller garb and robbing the royal coach procession by taking advantage of Prince John’s naiveté. In one shot, Little John kisses the rings on one of Prince John’s paws, and out pop the gems from their setting like it’s nothing.

This always bugged me. Because, like, wouldn’t they have fallen out a long time ago if the setting was made that cheaply? And as royalty, wouldn’t you opt for the extra-durable jewelry setting? Plus, how could Little John possibly know it was going to be that easy!? I don’t know about you guys, but if I was about to steal jewelry, Plan A wouldn’t be: “Just kiss it off.”

What’s the story behind Robin and Marian?

All we really hear about Robin and Maid Marian’s past is that they “were kids together,” but it’s obvious from the way that they talk about each other that they were deeply in love. And considering they’re both still pretty young and from very different backgrounds, it’s definitely a mystery not only how they met, but what their story was. Did they go to school together? Did Robin have a job when he was a child around Marian’s parents’ house/grounds? I’m definitely imagining an Anastasia/Dimitri kind of past here, but I need to know the truth.

Where the heck is Skippy’s dad?

Skippy’s mom has about 675 children, and she is solely responsible for all of them, meaning there’s probably no way she could possibly work – especially since at least three of them like to go off and make trouble, like shooting arrows into murderous princes’ backyards. Not exactly the kinds of kids you can leave on their own for extended periods of time.

So where are these kids’ dad, or dads? Do rabbit fathers not have to pay child support? Or is the dad too busy paying Prince John’s taxes, like everyone else? Maybe Robin Hood should spend less time dressing in disguises and more time tracking this deadbeat down.

Did Little John and Lady Cluck ever become an item?

Okay, so Robin and Marian are obviously the OTP of this movie, which is fine. They’re both foxes, which is a little cliché, but whatever, they’re adorable together and they’re going to honeymoon in London, Normandy, and sunny Spain and make 1,000 fox babies.

But the underdog couple of Robin Hood is totally Little John and Lady Cluck, Maid Marian’s sassy chicken attendant who gives her motherly advice and is tough as hell. We see these two flirting and dancing together, and I can’t help but wonder how that ended up.

Why did King Richard leave Prince John in charge?

King Richard I has to go off and fight in the Crusades, but he makes it back in time to see Robin and his niece Marian (side question: Who is her dad?) marry.

But why did King Richard leave Prince John in charge in the first place? It’s obvious his brother was nowhere near in a position, personality wise, to rule – not to mention the sheriff, who was almost as bad. Did no one write a letter to King Richard while he was away just to be like, “Hey, I know you’re busy, but these guys are kind of ruining our lives. SOS”?

And when King Richard does return from the Crusades, he and Robin are randomly best buddies, which also makes me wonder why he didn’t make sure Prince John and the sheriff knew messing with Robin was off limits. All I can say is thank goodness for the internet now.

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