Emojipedia has just announced that a digital swarm of new emojis will soon be available to a smartphone near you. A few of my favorites include the Hot Pepper, Desert Island, Camera With Flash, and obviously the Chipmunk. As helpful as all these new additions are, there are definitely more I can think of that would be more beneficial to us. Such as:
1. Diverse faces
Um, duh. Come on, emoji app people, get with the times! A yellow face does not represent the world’s population.
We’ve already got shrimp tempura, pizza, and a Hawaiian snow cone, so why not incorporate one of the greatest fruits in the world? I mean, how many times have you NOT asked for guacamole on your Chipotle burrito, or extra slices of avocado on your Subway sandwich? Not very many, I suspect. You would use this one to express your need for avocado with everything, obviously.
3. An Essie nail polish
I realize there is already a Nails Being Painted emoji, but Essie is not just ANY nail polish. It is THE nail polish to end all nail polishes. Those colors! Those perfect mint greens and cute square bottles I could spot from a mile away! When someone asks you what you want for your birthday, you can always respond with this.
When would a Unicorn emoji be appropriate, you ask? I think the better question is when would a Unicorn emoji NOT be appropriate?
5. Grilled cheese
Specifically a Buttery Grilled Cheese With Sharp Cheddar After A Really Long Day Or Night Out, but I won’t push it. Text this to your friend and pair it with the cocktail emoji.
6. Huge Skullcandy headphones
Dre headphones, Bose headphones, whatever. The important thing is that the person we are texting understands we are incredibly serious about the quality of sound, and that we are fully committed to blocking out all other sounds that are not sweet, sweet music. Use this emoji when you want to describe your quiet time.
You can’t say no to that face, can you? Use for any and all circumstances.
8. Frappuccino from Starbucks
Three words: Treat. Yo. Self. The Frap is like a milkshake with a dollop of coffee flavoring, but who cares? It’s delicious, and there is so much glorious whipped cream! Important question here: Do you eat the whipped cream first, or do you let the coffee slush absorb it so your Frappuccino becomes this creamy, frothy beverage of perfection? Text this instead of “Wanna get coffee?”
9. A Bahn Mi Vietnamese sandwich
I am writing this before lunchtime, so I apologize for all the food (do I though? DO I?), but the Bahn Mi is the most important sandwich of all time. Crunchy, freshly baked French baguette with various meats, radishes, carrots, and slathered mayo, this sandwich is the epitome of lunchtime sublimity. Communicate your need for epic food with this emoji.
10. Hungover face
Do you want to hang out? No. No, you do not. You want an IV bag of ginger ale and toast, stat. Use this for when your friends want to do an early brunch like a bunch of psychopaths.
Kesha once said she spends around $1,000 a year on glitter, and I am behind this one hundred percent. Glitter makes everything more amazing. Glitter accent nail. Glitter pens. Glitter notebooks. Glitter eyeliner. Glitter candles. Glitter emojis, please!
12. Lana Del Rey
Love her, hate her, love-hate her, Lana Del Rey isn’t going anywhere for awhile. You have to admit you had “Blue Jeans” stuck in your head for months. Respond with this when someone asks who your spirit guide or celebrity arch-nemesis is.
We’re still in the midst of the zombie craze, and no one can take that away from us. Not the vampires. Not the witches (okay, maybe the witches). Nobody. Let the zombies and Walking Dead parties reign on. Text this emoji when you want to binge-watch some Walking Dead. Or if you’re so tired, you feel like a zombie!
14. One eyebrow raised face
How many times have you questioned your best friend when she texted you she was giving her ex a second chance? Your boyfriend when he tells you he couldn’t find diet Arizona iced tea so he bought you a diet Vitamin Water instead. Your parents when they use slang. This will be your response.
15. Hoodies from American Apparel
Fall time means hoodie time, and hoodie time is the best time. Especially an iconic hoodie from American Apparel with the white strings. Preferable colors: Brushed Peppered Cranberry, Faded Green, and Tri-Black. Use when it’s -50 because someone in your building decided to excessively blast the A/C, or, I dunno, when you need a new American Apparel hoodie.
We are in the middle of a huge clog renaissance, so embrace them! Love them! A perfect pair of clogs paired with some skinny black jeans or a dress is everything that I want right now. I’m also not opposed to a Clunky Sandal emoji because those are fresh too. Why express yourself with a clog emoji? How else can you express your unwavering appreciation for this shoe?
17. Sex and the City DVD set
A basic necessity, really. Use when your friends ask what you want to do this weekend.
18. The Vitamix
The Vitamix is NOT just any blender. It is a high-performance machine with a 2-horsepower engine that rivals the strength of a lawnmower. It also creates the perfect juices and smoothies. This for all those times you want to prove yourself as a health guru. What am I up to? Vitamixing, biotches!
19. Burt’s Bees lip balm
AHH. That feeling when you apply Burt’s Bees (the original) to your chapped lips feels like an Icelandic gust of soothing wind. Of all the things you forget to put in your purse, your Burt’s Bees CANNOT be one of them. Use this for when you are uncomfortable and miserable because you forgot your Burt’s Bees.
20. Freezie pops
Or Otter Pops, whatever floats your frozen treat boat. These icy blocks of flavored ice are as vital as sunscreen during the summer. This is for expressing your excitement for cold things during the agonizing summer.
21. Olaf from Frozen
No, I’m still not over Frozen, okay? Plus, we all need an Olaf in our lives. A lovable, optimistic, loyal buddy. Text when your bestie is being the best bestie, ever.
22. Rainbow flip flops
Your feet have not lived until they have tried Rainbow flip flops. Going to the beach? Bring your Rainbow flip flops. Going to the grocery and can’t find your flats? Wear your Rainbow flip flops. They are like the tempurpedic mattresses of the sandal world, thus, very, very important. Use this when describing your beach wear. In a braggy way, probably.
You’re not just making dinner. You’re making dinner with your Crockpot! Pretty much all you have to do is throw some meat in there with liquid and spices, and BOOM you have dinner fit for a queen 6 hours later. Text this to answer any questions or concerns about dinner, because they best believe you got this covered.
24. Scrabble letters
How else do you invite a friend over for an intense game of Scrabble?
25. Hangry face
When I’m cranky, there’s a good chance I’m just really, really hungry but can’t eat yet for some unfortunate reason. When you’re hangry, your blood sugar is low, your mouth waters every five minutes, your greatest enemy is the waiter who didn’t put the order in fast enough, and you want nothing to do with anyone until you get some calories in your belly. Use this when you would rather bite into a cheeseburger than be texting a human.