20 Things People Should Shut Up About Already
In preparation for receiving a lot of criticism for this article, I want to point out that I’ve definitely been guilty about several of these atrocities that are constantly trending on my social media accounts. But I never said I shouldn’t shut up about them; I totally should, and if I haven’t, feel free to call me out on my hypocrisy. Anyway, this list is a compilation of all things trendy and annoying. These statements and actions arrive in the form of Facebook statuses, tweets, pop culture blogs or just word of mouth. The Internet has proved itself to be a valuable tool that brings us all together. But what if our tight-knit community won’t shut up about something? I hope the popularity of what I’m about to list decreases in 2014, because I’m freaking sick of solely seeing cats and coffee on my news feed.
1. Pumpkin Spice Lattes
There may be a thousand articles online about pumpkin spice lattes, but there are equally as many about the “privileged white girls” who drink them. Can we just calm down, already? We have always knows that Starbucks is expensive, there isn’t anything new about that. The recent obsession with pumpkin spice just invited more people to hate on Starbucks and Starbucks customers. Let’s not stigmatize people just because they really like PSLs. But also let’s stop squealing about your fifth venti pumpkin drink this week.
2. Coffee in general
I love coffee, and I’m sure you do, too. Coffee makes the world go ‘round, and it makes my work day go by that much faster. But you don’t have to prove that to anyone. Posting your foamy espresso or regular cup of coffee in a cute mug with the caption “I WOULD DIE WITHOUT YOU” on your Tumblr or Instagram is unnecessary. It’s almost like posting a picture of water. We get it. Coffee is vital. Let’s move on.
3. Your babies
I think babies are very cute and I want one someday. I’m sure I’ll even post photos of my baby on Facebook. But until then, I’m forced to witness moms upload seventy pictures a day of their baby eating mushy bananas, emitting nonsensical baby jargon and effortlessly posing with pumpkins. Post photos, by all means. You birthed a living thing and you are entitled to bragging rights, but please, not every hour of the day.
First it was literally growing mustaches to be ironic, then this trend just manifested itself into every cultural corner. Mugs, iPhone cases, laptop decal, stickers for your face, stickers for your cat, I mean come on. I don’t see the big deal about mustaches except when crumbs get stuck in them and then that’s funny.
5. Ways to make vegan bacon mayonnaise
I understand vegan mayo; in fact, I understand most vegan products, and I applaud vegans and their innovative ways of making sure they consume protein. Is the bacon (or shall I say “fakon”) really necessary though? It just seems over the top. I like bacon and I like mayonnaise, but I certainly don’t want the combination as a spread.
6. How many times you have worked out today
I’ve checked in at the gym before, I admit it. It was summer. I had gone to the gym two days in a row and I was proud of myself. It was a moment of weakness, okay? Actually, I don’t think it’s a big deal to check in at the gym. As my friend Emily said, it provides a sense of accountability. But if you’re posting several times a day, including pictures of your naked abs and thighs, then you’ve gone too far. We’re proud of you. Now get off the Internet and lift those weights.
7. How you were drunk but still managed to write a 15 page thesis.
Watch out – baby genius with a drinking problem alert! The truth is that not very many people can pull off intelligently writing an academic paper while intoxicated. Maybe you’ve had a glass or two of wine. Whatever you need to do to get inspired. But bragging about your super-human ability to drunkenly multi-task on Facebook and Twitter is lame. There is no way you wrote a magnum opus on the feminist critique of objectivism while taking shots of Maker’s Mark. And if you did, I almost guarantee you have at least five run-ons.
8. Kim and Kanye
The winner of the Worst Couple on Earth award goes to… Kim and Kanye! Now let’s get over it. Kim is going to keep on making millions of dollars and Kanye is going to always have his wildly inflated ego. I mean, the guy wrote a song titled “I Am A God”. Their baby is pretty freaking cute, though!
9. Being a cat lady
I totally post pictures of my cat on Instagram and Tumblr. It’s not the greatest thing I can be doing with my time, but I do it because I love my cat and I want to share that love with the world. But there is no way that I’m ever going to be a “cat lady” even if it’s what all the cool kids are doing these days. Posting tweets and blog posts about your anti-social life and how you hate everyone but your cat is unhealthy.
You’re writing a novel and you plan on finishing it in a month? Good for you. Don’t get me wrong; I encourage all forms of creativity, and I think it’s wonderful that more and more people are dipping their feet in creative writing. I also understand that even though the end product might suck, it’s the determination and discipline that counts. But stop updating us on your progress every single day. You’re on page 340. Buy yourself an ice-cream cone to celebrate.
11. Everything about your twenties
I’ve written about my twenties and I’ve pitched articles about my twenties. It’s because I’m in my twenties and it’s all I know. But it’s time to stop. We get it that it’s mortifying to move back in with your parents after college, you can’t afford nice things, and how you don’t want to grow up, but the truth is that you’re going to have to grow up, one way or another. I think, like all twenty-somethings, these twenties articles need to grow up, get jobs, stop invading the internet, and move on to bigger and brighter things. Like our thirties.
12. How taking selfies is so horrible
I remember back when I had a MySpace account it was so “uncool” to take “MYSPACE PICTURES!” These were generally not as coordinated as self-taken phone pictures because the lack of availability of a front camera, but people still did it. Okay, look. There’s nothing wrong with someone celebrating their body and and sharing their mug shot with the rest of the world. Yes, it gets excessive after the third one that day, but an occasional “selfie” is totally fine! So selfie takers, I give you my blessings.
Sushi is the most delicious creation on the planet and yes, that sushi documentary in totally on my Netflix queue. But stop taking pictures of your spicy tuna rolls because they are making me hungry.
14. Walt Whitman
Leaves of Grass is amazing, but do you know how many other good books of poetry there are out there? Solely quoting from “Song of Myself” limits you in the vast, vast world of poetry. Check out Mindy Nettifee. Sierra DeMulder, and Jericho Brown for starters.
15. How much Windows 8 sucks
You should have bought a Mac.
Sriracha is really tasty with scrambled eggs and turkey wraps, but there are other condiments out there, such as Tapatio and Cholula. Sriracha is having a moment right now, but that moment has turned into specialized Sriracha sauces at Subway and Lays chips flavors. Can we move on to the next best sauce already? I vote curry.
I recently read somewhere that FX picked up a show about vampires. Really, FX?! After True Blood’s true death (this summer) and the end of Twilight, I thought we could take a break from those blood suckers.
18. Where my processed food comes from
My eyes unfortunately run into at least three articles about how Mac ‘n Cheese is poison per week. This usually happens on Facebook, when all I’m trying to do is hate stalk someone. No, I don’t want to know there are dead beetles in my Cheez-Its or arsenic in Lunchables. I’m well aware that processed food is bad for me. It’s not going to stop me from eating it, but I’ll certainly hate myself a little bit more for it now. Thanks a lot.
There is no doubt in my mind that kombucha is super for your body (although is it really?). But the stringy nebula floating around at the bottom of that fermented bottle of yuck is not okay. And it tastes like old cough syrup that you forgot about and has been sitting around in the medicine cabinet for a couple of years. I think I’ll pass.
20. Grumpy Cat
Just…eat some cat treats or stalk a small animal down already.