Gina Vaynshteyn
July 21, 2014 5:55 am

We welcome Mondays like we welcome most things we dread: with fear, denial, and defeat. Weekends are spent on the beach, at the mall, or in bed, so by the time Sunday night comes around, we can already visualize ourselves slumped over at our desk, hopelessly clutching a Venti coffee to conjure up some enthusiasm for this bleak, bleak day. All our energy from last week has been vaporized, and now we are just a tired shell. Are you bad at Mondays, too? Here are some textbook signs that you need Friday to materialize itself in front of you, ASAP.

1. Your coffee grounds to water ratio is a disaster, and you end up making disgusting coffee.

You sleepily dump seven scoops into your coffee filter, but only fill up your coffeemaker to the “3” cup line with water. Minutes later, you eagerly pour the hot jet-fuel into your mug only to discover it tastes like crushed up Tylenol—which you need at this point, anyway.

2. When you got dressed this morning, you got deodorant all over your top.

It only happens when you’re wearing a black blouse which you have specifically wiggled your way around so your shirt doesn’t touch your embalmed armpits. Alas, it is no use. You now have white tie-dye marks all over your shirt, and you smell like baby powder.

3. You pour yourself a bowl of cereal, but after one spoonful you realize it’s stale.

Chewy, chewy cereal that slightly tastes like its plastic packaging. YUM. Disgusting.

4. On your way to work, all your radio stations play ads.

Like, EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. You keep changing them, hoping to at the very least listen to some old Lady Gaga song that would normally annoy you, but it’s a no-go. You settle for silence.

5. On the freeway, someone cuts you off and you practically almost die.

Traffic is heavy and horrible, and to make things worse, some dude in an Audi zooms in front of your car, causing you to slam on the breaks and have a brief anxiety attack.

6. You find the perfect seasonal dress on Modcloth but there are none left in your size.

Why even do this to me, Modcloth? WHY.

7. Apparently, Netflix, 24 Hour Fitness, and your credit card bills decided to come out of your account at the same time.

Oh thanks, companies I owe money to. You couldn’t have talked among yourselves and figured out a more reasonable way to extract funds from my bank account without leaving me just $50? Hello, ramen week.

8. All the e-mails you send out go unanswered.

Does everyone hate you? Are you being annoying? What is going on? You click through your “send” inbox, going through every single message, reading them out loud, and hoping you didn’t say anything disagreeable or grammatically questionable.

9. The salad you packed for lunch is soggy and wilted by the time you get to it.

Your lettuce is green slime, your cucumbers are flaccid, and all the seeds fell out of the once freshly-sliced heirloom tomatoes. Sadly, you walk to the vending machine and settle for a bag of Famous Amos cookies.

10. You spill most of your lunch coffee on your lap.

Well, there goes your sanity. It’s currently being absorbed by a cotton skirt you bought at H&M.

11. The only parking spot left at the grocery store parking lot is a tiny one that has been partially usurped by at least one of the two neighboring cars, so you can’t fit anyway.

Yeah, THANKS GUYS. Now I have to circle around the lot five more times. Or better yet, stalk a customer to their car and act really nonchalantly about this.

12. You have a pile of dishes the size of the Taj Mahal from Sunday night’s dinner.

You come home from work completely spent, and you realize you can’t even start making dinner until you do something about the pile of plates and pots from last night. AND you had spaghetti, so you’ll have to scrub that dried-up marinara sauce for like an hour.

13. Your mom posted a terrible photo of you from 8th grade on your Facebook because she thought it would be cute.

How could a loving human being do this to you? You still had braces, for crying out loud. And your eyebrows rivaled Eugene Levy’s. You take it down, but it’s too late: you already have five likes.

14. The only mail you get is a bill from Macy’s.

And maybe some coupons for Walmart.

15. Someone tells you, “Looks like someone’s got the case of the Mondays!”

And you want to punch them in the face. But you sob into your hands instead because it’s so true. You do have the case of the Mondays.

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