BeyonceVEVO/YouTube
Channing Sargent
October 04, 2016 11:49 am

Being single can literally be the BEST. No rules. No one to tell you what to do or how to do it or how you ought to look while you do. Seriously, singlehood is a veritable playground of awesomeness. Do we readily admit to not being our most vixen, pin-worthy selves at all times? No. But we should! Because seriously single ladies rule. Remember being a kid and thinking kids ruled the world? Not true. We do! You know that old adage, “when a woman is loved correctly, she becomes ten times the woman she was before?” Gag. INCORRECT. The truth: A woman on her own becomes everything she was meant to be. Her most authentic, raddest self, no holds barred.

1. LIVE in your baggiest comfiest Pepto Bismol Pink fuzzy lipstick pjs, the ones that are normally balled up at the very back of your pj drawer, too hideous to wear around anyone else. But they feel like heaven. 

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2. LEARN the dance moves from every Beyoncé video on YouTube, in your underwear and charcoal face mask, with a toothbrush in your mouth.

3. EAT the weirdest snacks, like my personal fave: nachos made with pork rinds instead of chips. Oooh! Or! Tostitos Salsa Con Queso (or as I call it, cheese sludge) with a spoon, straight out of the jar.

4. COOK incredibly involved meals. Because it’s date night! Alone. At home. What better time and circumstance to make that khow soy curry noodle chicken soup like you love from the corner Thai place. How hard can it be?

5. SING all the time everywhere like the star you are.

6. SLEEP with that person you thought was so hot but kind of vapid. But SO HOT.

7. ENJOY pleasuring yourself so much that you start to look forward to an early bedtime. Or nap time. Or bath time. Or any time you might have to yourself in the privacy of your own home.

8. TALK to your cat (or dog, or iguana) about your day, that noob at work, your philosophy on life, full-on conversations that you swear go both ways, and from which you learn so much.

9. THROW elaborate parties for zero reason, with Paperless Post invitations that took hours to design, with themes like, “Sunday cocktail party, because… Sunday! Formal Attire Required.”

10. BINGE watch television for like six hours, way into the dawn and then feel hungover the next day and so tired and down on yourself like whatareyoudoingwithyourlife? At least you’ll have to go to bed early. And you know what that means, wink wink.

11. PAINT your nails constantly, obsessively, and give yourself pedicures at least weekly, spreading your nail supplies all over the living room, and contorting your toes to your face while wearing your Pepto Bismol pink fuzzy lipstick pajamas, and binge-watching episodes of New Girl.

12. COUNT the number of left swipes before bed like you’re counting sheep.

13. DRINK the whole bottle. It’ll go bad if you don’t.

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