My eyes flick across the screen, and something catches my eye. I freeze. My eyes widen as I zero in on the word left in the search bar, forgotten from some faraway moment of curiosity: afterbirth.
Who googled that? Did I Google that? Why did I google that? Cheeks burning red, I quickly delete the offending word, restoring the search bar to its innocent and ready state of blankness. My eyes dart around to ensure that no one has discovered the creepy territory into which my mind apparently wanders.
Recovering from the minor shock I just experienced, I take a moment to reflect. The truth is, we all Google really dumb stuff. Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I imagine Meryl Streep Googling “Twitter trending” and I smile to myself and patronizingly mutter, “Oh, Meryl!”
Googling things has become a part of daily life, like taking photos or brushing your teeth, or, to some people, taking photos of brushing your teeth. It has become so routine, that typing something into the permanently placed Google search bar in the corner of your web browser has become almost instantly forgettable. I am all too familiar with the acute intermingling of surprise and shame that occurs when I open up Firefox and see the odd phrases leftover from past uncomfortable searches.
Being startled by your own Google search history is an uncompromising reality check. Was I really wondering about that enough to actually seek out an answer? When was I this bored? Is this why I’m still single?? This is why I’m single.
I have compiled a list of twelve searches from over the past few months that I almost had the good fortune of forgetting I ever Googled, whether in moments of loneliness, lameness, or pure curiosity. Almost.
In no particular order (there were too many options- most to least pathetic, greatest to least indicative of only an elementary level of education etc.)
- Chad Michael Murray 2012
- pregnancy nose size
- Renaissance hair styles
- Louis Armstrong weed
- cool party tricks
- Ben Schwartz girlfriend
- regular stamp vs. first class stamp
- tan ginger
- Halloween corporate conspiracy
- making nachos in a rice cooker
- synonyms for ‘badass’
- Ben Schwartz gay
That’s right. I wanted to know what Chad Michael Murray is up to (looks like) THIS year. Also, I might have a tiny enormous crush on Ben Schwartz. But don’t worry, ladies, thanks to the internet I am 98% sure he is not gay.
Read more from Melissa Ng here.