It’s mother nature’s cruelest joke. You experience a miserable week of agonizing cramps and granny panties and the prequel you get is this dark week of hatred and sensitivity to just about everything. You blow everything out of proportion. You’re usually a nice person but your hormones are making sure you’re meaner and crazier than Cruella Deville. If this sounds like you, don’t worry. It just means you’re PMSing. Everything will get better, I promise. Until next month, that is.
1. Seven hot dogs seem like a reasonable snack.
In fact, you find yourself craving Oreo McFlurries and burritos all day long. You count chocolate chip cookies instead of sheep at night and you dream of swimming in a pool of sour Skittles. These nagging desires don’t subside until you finally drive to the mall and choose one of everything. Buffet style.
2. You feel guilty about all the garbage you just inhaled.
Mentally calculate all of the calories that are floating around in your body and fight back tears.
3. Your boyfriend sneezes and you want to rip his head off.
Pretty much anything anyone does that is slightly loud, obnoxious, off-putting, alarming or disturbing is not okay.
4. You decide all of your clothes are crap.
You wonder what you were even thinking buying all of this useless swill and decide you need to go shopping immediately.
5. The maxi dress you bought last week is hugging you in all the wrong places.
You’re bloated. Your hips seem gigantic. Your ass is ten times the size it was two days ago. Everything is a mess and you feel anti-sexy.
6. You notice a friend from high-school got engaged and you are tempted to throw your laptop out the window.
You know you should be happy for her, but you can’t help but feel sorry for yourself. This escalates into a full-blown panic attack and you ultimately convince yourself you will never find love and will certainly die alone.
7. The weather channel makes you burst into tears.
The weather man said it would be sunny tomorrow but now he’s all, “It’s going to be a partly cloudy Thursday.” I mean what is this sh*t?!
8. The cashier informs you that your coupon is expired and you seriously contemplate finding their car and keying it.
Anyone who even slightly disagrees with you or hinders your success is deemed as enemy or backstabber. You can’t even accept a coupon that is only expired by two days? What is wrong with people? What is wrong with the world?
9. Your disdain for humanity reaches its ultimate peak.
No one can drive their car properly. The dude at Subway forgot the provolone cheese you requested. A lady who ordered a non-fat peppermint mocha extra shot espresso and then changed her mind last second didn’t even tip you. Your ex booty-calls you. A woman with her shopping cart filled to the brim cuts you in line when all you have in your hands is a frozen pizza. Your best friend forgets to text you back. A man in his car whistles at you while you get the mail. Someone mixes up “your” and “you’re”. An acquaintance describes Nickelback as “the next Beatles”. A friend tweets that they have the best life, ever. You read somewhere that a woman is getting a book deal because she’s making 300 sandwiches for her boyfriend.
10. You go through your Facebook photos and un-tag at least half of them.
And then re-tag yourself a few days later.
11. You wonder if it would be possible to drop everything and move to Paraguay.
Because you’ve had it up to here. You research plane tickets and fantasize having a South American lover and living in a beautiful bohemian apartment where you will write your first memoir. Life would be perfect.
12. You write an article about PMSing.
And you know what? You feel way better.