If the year has been a wicked one, are you worried you might end up with a wrapped up bundle of coal? Is that even something we still tell children? And how bad does one have to be to end up on Santa’s radar anyway, because the guy seems pretty occupied with making sure everyone else gets what they want for Christmas. If I were Santa, I think I would primarily be bothered by the little things in life that drive me crazy. If you identify with more than five of these signs, then you’ve got to work on your Karma! Because what goes around comes around.
1. You watched the new Great Gatsby without reading the book first.
This is just sacrilegious. And no, this is technically not naughty or even that horrible, but come on; Fitzgerald is one of the most talented American writers in the 20th century; to avoid his books is like denying a part of your heritage. Of course you don’t have to be an American to enjoy The Great Gatsby. The novel is beautifully written and portrays a universal depiction of the human condition. So stop being a terrible person and read this book already. (See also: Harry Potter, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Romeo and Juliet).
2. You cryptically call out friends, co-workers, or your boyfriend on Twitter/Facebook.
You know the best way to deal with your grievances is to just confront the problem head-on but it is so much more satisfying to blast them on the internet so everyone knows that you’re upset and somebody is upsetting you. We can be drama queens sometimes.
3. You sold your dog-eared book on Amazon, describing it as “Good”
I just bought a copy of As I Lay Dying from Amazon and the description might have even been “Excellent” but when it arrived, I realized the entire book had been annotated to shreds. Really, guys?!
4. You only visit coffee shops for the free WiFi.
As a former barista, I would see this happen all the time. People come in (sometimes even with coffee from another café) and take up real estate just so that they can access free internet. Sometimes they will ask for hot water and steep their own tea bags in a cup, or eat their own food and leave crumbs for the baristas to clean up after them. NOT COOL. If you’re going to use the free WiFi, you best be buying yourself a drink.
5. You’re secretly happy about your friend’s failing relationship
It’s kind of nice to know someone else’s life isn’t as perfect as they’re trying to make it seem. After listening to friends go on and on about their paradisiacal love life, it feels good when things start to go terribly wrong. But this just isn’t very nice and it and generates a lot of bad juju.
6. You’re flakier than a croissant.
Are you that person who promises to hang out next weekend, but totally stays home because Netflix in bed is so much more comforting and way less work than socializing? Do you promise to make it on time but arrive two hours late? It happens to all of us, but if it becomes a recurring trend and your friends are actually starting to get hurt because of your lack of reliability, maybe you ought to lock up your laptop for a weekend or buy a planner.
7. You’ve been trying to sabotage your ex’s new relationship
Jealousy is not cute, especially when it takes the form of revenge. No matter how crappy of a person your ex is, you gotta just let things go. If you’re sending him flirty messages or even wishing the worst upon him and his new girlfriend, then you’re just dwelling and dwelling isn’t healthy. Envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, and if you’ve watched Seven with Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow then you’ll know this problem is serious.
8. You may have hit a car or two in the parking lot.
And failed to fess up and leave your insurance and license information. This is really kind of evil, since you KNOW you should pay for your damage but it’s so easy to just drive away and park in another lot. Oh, morality.
9. You never respond to a text message or e-mail right away.
I hate when I send someone a message like, “do you want to get lunch?” and an hour later they response with, “sure, what time?” and I’ve already eaten my salad a half-hour ago. The worst is sending an important e-mail about something that may be stressing you out, and not hearing back from the recipient for days. The worst.
10. You post spoilers on Twitter/Facebook!
Thank you for telling me how Dexter ends. I actually really just hoped to hear from someone on the internet before I watched the show. I know it’s partially our faults for living on the West Coast but STILL.
11. You are the one who scratched that Netflix DVD.
You bandit, you. In the 90s, you were an asshole if you didn’t rewind your tape before returning it to Blockbuster. The equivalent of this terrible rental etiquette is scratching a DVD and returning it to Netflix like nothing happened. I think Netflix should include a “Be kind and if your DVD is scratched or broken, just let us know” sticker on their envelopes. Movies have literally skipped over crazy fight scenes, crucial dramatic moments, and other important scenes because you scratched the disc. Thanks for ruining everything. Now go do some good deeds before Santa comes to town.
So what can you take away from all of this, Gigglers? Maybe that we’re all a little bit annoying and that we are ALL imperfect beings. That’s what makes us human, right?