Let’s watch this Russian delivery guy snack on a customer’s pizza in the elevator and vehemently pray that this has never happened to us.
When I was in college, I held a few part-time positions as a server and barista, so I’ve witnessed a few behind-the-scenes gross and sneaky maneuvers. Sometimes, us waitress folk get hungry, so we snag a fry off your burger plate. Do we feel bad? Probably not. You’ll never notice, anyway. However, there is a line that can be crossed in every single professional environment, such as:
1. Looking up pictures of naked people on your computer
Do you remember that episode of Shameless where Fiona, new to the conservative office environment, starts researching what an uncircumcised penis looks like? It was a harmless inquiry; Fiona was just helping her best friend Veronica decide whether or not it’s morally acceptable to do away with a baby’s foreskin, but it didn’t look that way and office cronies busted her. When you’re at work, try not to Google image body parts. No matter what the reasoning behind this endeavor is, it will always look bad and these things are usually traceable.
2. Spitting on a customer’s plate of food
Look. I’ve been there. Customers can be downright cruel and vicious and the temptation to mess with their food is so high, you’re already feeling better just by thinking about it. Don’t do it. Not only does that create bad Karma, but if you get caught, you’ll totally be fired.
3. Listening to really bad music
Okay, technically you probably can’t get in trouble (unless your job has strict rules about it) for listening to music both good or bad, but do you really want to get caught listening to Limp Bizkit on your iPod or iTunes?
4. Stalking your ex’s new girlfriend
Work is a time to get away from all the messy drama in your life, not become even more submerged in it! Try not to let yourself hunch over at your computer to squint at freshly posted photos of your former lover and his pretty new flame while whispering curses you Googled. It will make you look crazy.
5. Applying for other jobs.
This is kind of obvious, but I’ve seen it done. Are you surreptitiously typing out cover letters, downloading resume templates and scrolling through Craigslist like it’s totally not a big deal? No matter how much your job sucks, suck it up and wait till you get home to find a new one.
I hate gossip when it’s not about celebrities who have reality TV shows or have gone insane. I know a lot of companies and businesses take gossip and rumors seriously, and will not tolerate anyone acting like a pissed off 8th grader. Talking sh*t about other people is so beneath you, anyway. Focus on yourself and your career. That’s how you get ahead.
7. Running people over with your car
I guess this is technically not done at work, but if you’re pulling in to your office building parking lot, don’t run anyone over. Unless you’re Michael Scott from The Office and it’s Meredith you’ve just ran over; this is somehow okay because it’s Michael Scott and Meredith. A few days ago, a woman from the UK ran over a cyclist on her way to work and tweeted about it, resulting in the internet blowing up in her face. Oh, and she most likely got fired from her job.
8. Scheduling sexy time in between conference calls
I understand that it’s “super hot” to hook up with your boss or co-worker during work hours and you’ve been dying to do some naughty things on that desk of yours, but seriously, just save that for some roleplaying at home. Or at the movie theatre. Or wherever that floats your boat. If you get caught, you could face sexual harassment charges and utter mortification.
9. Eating seafood leftovers for lunch
Unless it’s a tuna salad sandwich or sushi, never eat fish for lunch. This means microwaving a grilled salmon or tilapia from last night, and although it was once probably fresh and delicious, it will now smell like FISH. The entire building will forever smell fishy and everyone will resent you.
Whether you work at a cash register, in sales or on the floor, it is never cool to steal from the company for which you work. There are usually cameras for those kinds of things and the theft will ultimately be traced back to you, because employees talk and you might accidentally come in to work wearing something you swiped the week before. Always be loyal to who you work for. Never bite the hand that feeds you. Simple enough.