I’m not claustrophobic, nor do I have a fear of heights. So, aside from awkward small talk and the occasional whiff of B.O., I’ve never really had an issue with elevators. In fact, I’m actually rather fond of them. So much so, that in college I used to fake a limp in order to use our dining hall elevator to reach my fifth floor dorm room. However, today at work a dude got trapped in an elevator. And… here are the reasons why getting trapped in an elevator makes me nervous.
1. Dead Zones
Elevators are notorious for not having cell reception. While, “I’m getting on an elevator, I’m gonna lose you!” has proved handy in ending unpleasant phone calls, if I were ever trapped in one, this would be tragic. How on earth would I entertain myself without boredom calls or Instagram? Which leads me to my next concern…
2. Fear of Missing Out
You know that scene in LOST when Ben shows Jack all the things happening back home while he’s stuck on The Island? That, to me, would be the worst part of being stuck on The Island. Yes, worse than the smoke monster. I have a pretty intense case of FOMO and it would drive me insane that the world was carrying on while I was twiddling my thumbs in an elevator. Tweeters would tweet, TV shows would televise, celebrities would get pregnant and arrested and divorced and I’d miss out on all of it. Stuck in time-out.
3. Too Much Alone Time
I would not handle solitary confinement well. Weird things happen when I am left alone with my overactive frontal lobe. Best case scenario, I finally figure out Inception. Worst, I dream up a crazy conspiracy theory in which I am being trapped in the elevator as part of an ill-conceived terrorist plot.
4. Too Much Together Time
It just dawned on me that I might get trapped in an elevator with another human being and I’m not sure which would be worse. God forbid a stranger wind up in there with me. I would have to make small talk and try to be friendly and… yup, I just decided, this would be so much worse than being trapped alone.
My body has grown accustomed to being fed large quantities every two hours. I’m not sure how long it would last without its constant caloric intake. The caffeine deprivation alone would be enough to cause me pain. And, speaking of caffeine…
6. The Bathroom Sitch?
Where do you go to the bathroom when you are trapped in an elevator!?!?! I can’t even theorize because every option is awful.
7. Many Elevators Smell
The elevators in my office building are literally trash chutes. Every night the maintenance crew loads them up with smelly, leaky trash bags for disposal. I’ve seen them do it and they smell like butt. I can barely handle the stench during the short trip to my floor, let alone hours without any outside air circulation.
8. Some Elevators Have Cameras
After hearing about the man in the elevator, one of my coworkers sent me this video of a man trapped in an elevator for 41 hours. Now, I’m not sure what the laws are regarding the release of elevator camera footage, but I would NOT want my elevator adventure to be the next YouTube sensation. Just, no.
9. A Life Sentence of Stairs
If I were to get trapped on an elevator for an extended period of time, I might develop some sort of PTSD and never be able to ride an elevator again. That would mean taking the stairs for the rest of my life. While this would probably result in some killer thighs, stairs are exhausting and I would always be sweaty.
10. Plummeting To My Death
I can see where you might think this would be higher up on the list, but the truth is, I’m not all that nervous about death. If I were to plummet to my death, it would be sad and my family and friends would probably miss me a bunch, but I would be dead and wouldn’t have to deal with any of the aforementioned anxieties. So, not my biggest concern.
Will my nervousness prevent me from riding in an elevator ever again? Haha, no. Stairs are hard and I am lazy. Will I think twice about who I get into an elevator with and what entertainment I have pre-loaded onto my phone? Yes. Absolutely. Now excuse me while I go load those Dragon Tattoo books onto my Droid before hopping into my office’s stink-machine deathtrap.
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