Nicole Paulhus
March 06, 2013 7:00 am

It just got dark up in here! Actually, it’s not all that dark. Probably as light as an article about dying suddenly can get. Truth is, I’m not too scared about the dying. It’s more about the suddenly. As someone who likes to plan and prepare for things, the thought of having no time to get my affairs in order is troubling. I know, I could create a will, but that involves a lawyer and paperwork and it seems like a lot of work just to divvy up a DVD collection. So, I’ll just make this list of all the reasons dying suddenly makes me nervous instead.

1. What Will They Use For My Obituary Picture?

My mother, the wise and neurotic woman that she is, has already selected her obituary picture. It hangs proudly in the kitchen with a “No mustaches!” warning on the back. So, this is something to which I’ve given thought. I feel like the last somewhat appropriate photo I’ve taken is my high school senior picture and while I look young, I don’t look that young. It’s going to be a huge scramble when someone is tasked with selecting my obituary pic. I’m scared of what they’ll come up with. Maybe my mother isn’t so crazy after all.

2. My Stupid Tweets Ending Up On The News

What if I die in some interesting way and become famous post-mortem? Journalists will comb through my internet presence for anything they can use to paint a fuller picture of my life. What was I up to right before I died? Was I feuding with anyone? Did I seem depressed? They can make a human interest piece out of anything. I feel like this tweet in particular will be pretty popular in the event of a kidnapping.

3. People Will Write RIP On My Facebook Page

So, this might be a little controversial, but writing on the Facebook page of someone who has died weirds me out. I can see how it might be cathartic for people to have an outlet for their feelings, but I just don’t want my social networking presence to outlive me. You’ll be proud to know I’ve actually done some prep on this one. I’ve given one of my besties my password and strict instructions to dismember my account immediately upon news of my death. Oh, and Jo, if you’re reading this, my Twitter and Instagram passwords are the same so I trust you to take care of those now as well. Thanks, boo!

4. My Parents Finding Weird Stuff In My Apartment

Pretty self explanatory. I’m not going into details, because that would completely defeat the purpose of trying to keep things private, but speaking of private…

5. What If Somebody Finds Me Naked?!?

When I was in high school one of my friends fainted in the shower and her dad found her. She was okay, but it has haunted me since. If I’m going out, I’d like to go out with a little bit of dignity and a lot of clothing.

6. People Fighting Over My Prized Possessions

When my grandfather died, my cousins and I all argued over who got his duck shirt. It was a silly white t-shirt with a duck on it, but he wore it all the time and we all had such great memories of him wearing it. None of us wanted to let it go. I think my sister ended up with it. I don’t really remember, which is my point. The things don’t really matter, but when you’re grieving and fighting to hold onto that person, they feel really important. So, to prevent any future scuffles over my crap, I’d like to state now, for the record: My Harry Potter wand is to be donated to charity.

7. “The Slideshow”

When someone in my family passes away, we put together a slideshow of photos for the wake. It’s a nice commemoration of the person’s life and digging through all the old pictures gives us the chance to reminisce and have some laughs. The concept of “The Slideshow” has become sort of a running gag to my mom. Whenever she’s looking particularly good or standing near a monument, she’ll ask one of us to take a picture of her for “The Slideshow.” While I may not have many pictures suitable for an obituary, there are plenty of me dressed in ridiculous costumes at theme parties. I want people to know that I was more than a girl who drank beer and dressed like a leprechaun and I fear that my slideshow will be relatively one-sided.

8. Someone Will Rule My Death A Suicide

I know this is a pretty bold statement, but I will never, ever, ever commit suicide. So, if some dude in a cold dark room “rules” my death a suicide someone better call bullshit. I don’t want that on my permanent record. People wondering why they didn’t see it coming and if they could have stopped it. Also, since it’s not suicide, it’s probably murder and now you’re allowing a killer to roam freely. Well done buddy, the blood is on your hands now!

9. Who Will Play Me In The Lifetime Movie?

I love, love, love Lifetime movies. It would be a dream come true to be the subject of one. Unlike Mindy Lahiri, who has narrowed her casting choices down to “Frida Pinto and a young Halle Berry,” I haven’t been able to pinpoint mine yet. I suppose I wouldn’t mind jump starting the career of a talented young newcomer. I just hope she does my “I’m uncomfortable” giggle justice.

10. You Won’t Realize You’re In Love With Me Until It’s Too Late

Let me set the scene for you. It’s a few hours after my funeral and everyone’s gathered at the local watering hole. It’s been a tough, emotional day and you’re drowning your sorrows in some brewskis. As the booze gets flowing, so do the stories. It’s not until this moment that you realize you were actually in love with me all along. I was the one. The love of your life and now I will never know how you truly felt, because I’m gone. This would suck on so many levels! Though, it would make for a pretty great plot twist in the Lifetime movie. So I guess I can live with it. Or die with it. Whatever.

Feature Image is a screen grab from Pretty Little Liars found here

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