Nicole Paulhus
May 01, 2013 7:00 am

Hi, Debbie Downer here to interrupt your pleasant perusing of HelloGiggles! Just wanted to let you know… BIRD FLU IS BACK! (Wah wah wahhhh) Okay, but for reals, the bird flu is back. A total of 109 cases of H7N9 have been reported in China, including 23 that have resulted in death. The good news is, the disease has not been found to spread from person to person. The bad news is, scientists are referring to it as “one of the most lethal influenza viruses” they’ve seen. So, there’s that. Yay!

Now, back to your scheduled programming. Here are ten reasons, besides the fact that they’re probably going to kill us all, that birds make me nervous.

1. Birds Poop On Cars

Getting my car washed is a luxury. I do it rarely and when I do, it’s usually only because my windshield has become a safety hazard. On the rare occasion that I have gotten my car washed though, a bird has pooped on it almost instantly. It’s like they’re lined up on outside the car wash, locked and loaded, ready to attack.

2. Birds Poop On People

This has been a major fear of mine since 1995, the year Now and Then came out. If you’re unfamiliar with the film, there’s a scene in which one of the girls gets pooped on by a bird. Her friends laugh at her as she panics and screams, “Get it out! Get it out!” It’s pretty traumatic and disgusting. Also, if you haven’t seen Now and Then you should probably fix that immediately.

3. Birds Fly Into Windshields

One time a bird flew into my friend’s windshield while she driving on a highway. She slammed her breaks and spun out, luckily there weren’t other cars around. I’m not sure if the bird was suicidal or if the glass was just so clean that it didn’t see it, either way, it’s pretty scary. Though, I guess if it’s the latter I’m in good shape with my perpetually filthy windshield.

4. Birds Steal Food

Especially seagulls. Seagulls are the worst. Sorry, Scuttle, but it’s true. Why you guys gotta be all up in my PB&J? I’m already battling sandwich sand, I don’t need your nonsense. Shoo! Shoo!

5. Birds Steal Small Pets

Wildlife experts say some large birds can lift animals twice their body weight. There you are, hiking with your tiny purse pup and the next thing you know, some entitled hawk snatches her up and flies away! That’s so terrifying! Though, it could also make for a really cool Pixar film if the dog and the hawk encounter trouble and are forced to band together in order to survive, while forming a lifelong friendship. The dog gets dropped off a week later and the hawk rejoins his flock, but every time he flies south for the winter (do hawks fly south?) the hawk pays his fuzzy friend a visit. Crap, where was I? Six? Six!

6. Birds Are Bad Omens

Pop culture has made it pretty clear that crows and ravens are bad omens. Need some examples? Fine. The Crow, The Raven, The Birds and The Vampire Diaries. Though, The Vampire Diaries totally drops the whole crow thing after the pilot. Also, if the crow represents Damon and I’m team Delena, wouldn’t that be a good omen for me? I dunno, but if I see a crow anywhere near me at night, I get the heebie-jeebies.

7. Birds Wake Me Up

Remember on Friends when Phoebe’s boyfriend shot a bird who kept chirping outside his bedroom window? Okay, I’m not saying I support murdering birds, but… I understand the frustration. Sometimes I need my sleep and there’s some loud mouth chirping away outside my window and… again, NOT promoting bird murder, just saying sometimes birds are obnoxious and sleep is important to our health and well-being. But, while we’re on dead birds…

8. Dead Birds Fall From The Sky

A couple weeks ago I was walking into work and there was a dead bird in our courtyard area. It was just lying there on its back, legs up, eyes open. It was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen. After I sent an email to maintenance, I starting thinking about bird death and how if birds die while flying, their bodies just plummet back to earth. Depending on the size and altitude of the bird, that could do some serious damage! How is this not in the news all the time?

9. Birds Have Dinosaur Feet

Which, according to paleontologists (like Ross Gellar!) at the Natural History Museum means that “birds today are direct descendants of the Cretaceous extinction survivors.” They survived MASS EXTINCTION! These fools are hiding something and I just don’t trust ‘em.

10. If They Ever Band Together, We’re Screwed

There may be between 100,000 and 200,000 million adult or near adult birds on the planet at any one time. That is so many birds! Now, add to that the fact that these birds have secret powers which allow them to survive mass extinction. If at some point they all decide to put their birdly differences aside and join together to overthrow us, we’re screwed. They could totally take us. In fact, I wouldn’t be totally shocked if that’s what happened to the rest of the dinosaurs. Jurassic Park meets Hunger Games. All Cretaceous creatures go in, only the bird survives. (Also a movie I’d watch.)

Note from the author: I know nothing about birds or dinosaurs.

Featured image via Shutterstock

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