Elizabeth Entenman
September 29, 2013 8:00 am

When it comes to neighbors, you just hope to get blessed with some good luck. When things are good, they’re good; but when things are bad, it feels like the end of the world, and our friends never hear the end of it. Bad neighbors come in all shapes and sizes. There’s the neighbor who parties into the wee hours, the neighbor who wears heels in the house and the neighbor with unruly pets. There’s the one with a different date every weekend, the one who parks like a jerk and the one who burns trash in the middle of the night (what’s with that, anyway?). And then, there’s this neighbor: the one who convinced her husband to shoot the man next door for telepathically raping her.

This story blows every neighbor I’ve ever been annoyed with (and every time I’ve been annoying) out of the water. To be fair, this woman pled guilty to the charge, and also mentally ill. So while I think she and her husband win the award for the wackiest neighbors of the year (I mean, look at them), there were certainly other factors at play here. Still, the next time the girl upstairs talks on her phone too loudly in the hallway, I’ll think back to this article and count my blessings.

Just for fun, I compiled a list of 10 nightmarish neighbors I’m thankful I don’t have (knock on wood).

1. DJ Diapers
I don’t have a child of my own, but I do know this: if you don’t sign your baby up for the trendiest and most expensive classes out there, you’re definitely missing out. Case in point, baby DJing class. DJ Diapers needs to practice four hours a day if he wants to stay at the top his class, so you should probably invest in some soundproof headphones.

2. Soon-to-Be Clown School Dropout
You really don’t mean to complain, but those oversized shoes make a lot of noise on the stairs. If water leaks into your unit from his water balloons or his trick camera, then maybe you’ll say something.

3. Needy Joe Pesci
Joe Pesci is here, and he wants to borrow a cup of sugar (is that even a thing anymore? Was that ever a thing?). Joe Pesci is here, and he wants to come inside and watch TV with you. Joe Pesci is one of the most intense actors of this generation, and being in his presence would undoubtedly put me a little on the edge. But can you imagine if he was actually just your incredibly needy next-door neighbor?

4. Reptile Acupuncturist
Lucky for you, she has a home practice. Bonus: she’s now accepting new patients.

5. Tattoo Artist to the Spirits
Ghosts need tattoos, too. It really helps them cope with their unfinished business. Oh, and did I mention? This guy works from home, too!

6. Tea Party Cat Lady
The china is rattling, the kettle is whistling and the guests are mewing. What’s that sound? It’s cats jumping all over the place, because they’re all hopped up on caffeine.

7. Fireworks Joe
This guy is BFF with another guy who lives in the building across the street, and they communicate by sending messages via bottle rockets off their roofs. Fireworks Joe is a tricky one: although he’s annoying, he’s one of those people who randomly has roof access, so you want to keep him on your side. Damn the politics of it all.

8. The Amateur Topiarist
This woman isn’t out there manicuring her lawn for Better Homes and Gardens. But she is bonsai-ing that one bush into the shape of… what is that, exactly? It’s either Pat Patriot or the Tasmanian Devil. Quick, keep walking. People are staring.

9. Ryan Gosling Jerk-alike
He’s a Ryan Gosling look-alike. But he’s a jerk, and has no interest in your friendship. Therefore, he’s a jerk-alike. It’s a shame that those good looks are wasted on not being inside your apartment.

10. Cat Walker
She walks her cat on a leash every day. And by ‘walks’ I mean ‘drags’, because her cat is a stuffed animal.

Obviously, I’m joking. I hope none of these people are real neighbors, but honestly, nothing surprises me these days!

Featured image via ShutterStock

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