Taryn Parrish
September 22, 2014 1:27 pm
Some childhood toys stand the test of time. Others didn’t hold up the second they came out of the box. You know what I’m talking about: those toys that weren’t all they were cracked up to be (am I the only one who couldn’t figure out The Spirograph?). Here are some of the top offenders from our childhood:

1. Play Doh

Expectation: Make anything and everything out of Play Doh! Crazy creatures, accessories, food, medical equipment for your dog. See this (slightly terrifying) commercial for more proof of what we were promised:

Reality: No matter how hard you tried to stop it, your Play Doh colors inevitably blended together and your once delicious looking clay food became dry, crumbly and cracked — just like feet in the wintertime (sorry for that visual).


2. Sky Dancers

Expectation: Pull the cord and watch these little pixies spin and soar! This experience would be extra magical if you had some sort of balcony situation in your home to really see these suckers fly.

Reality: Injury and destruction.

When they weren’t sky dancing, these little fairies were crackin’ vases, chippin’ teeth, and gracefully grazing eyeballs.


3. Furby

Expectation: A furry little friend who you could teach to say anything. You’d cuddle with it, tickle its chin, take care of it. You’d form an everlasting bond and be best friends forever!

Reality: You had to forcibly remove Furby’s batteries to end its constant, senseless chatter. “Me up?” “Me nunu?” “Me love you?” Learn some grammar, dammit.


4. Slip ‘N Slide

Expectation: Forget the water park! Lay down that thick plastic runway, get that freezing hose water flowing, and get ready to slide your way into being the coolest kid in the neighborhood.

Reality: Body-slammed your lawn.


5. Easy Bake Oven

Expectation: Finally, a way for us kids to cook unsupervised! Wow, what a load off; right, parents? Cake, cookies, brownies — let the bakery empire BEGIN!

Reality: A crazy amount of time to wait for one tiny little dessert, plus mild to moderate food-poisoning.

6. Ouija

Expectation: Shake things up at your slumber party by calling on the spirits to answer all of life’s burning questions. Does your crush like you back? Will you make the basketball team? Will Mom and Dad ever get back together?

Reality: Spent the rest of the night accusing your friends of moving the indicator and end up thinking an evil spirit is haunting you for the rest of your life.


7. Puppy Surprise

Expectation: A dog-mom is going to birth adorable puppies! How many will you get? Will it be 3 or 4 or 5?

Reality: There was no surprise at all when it came to this doggie doula game. You got the toy with the predetermined number of puppies and stuffed them into the dog mom’s stomach and then removed  however many you liked via velcro cesarean section. It was a bit underwhelming, but I know I speak for ’90s girls everywhere when I say that it definitely prepared us for the birth process.


8. Moon Shoes

Expectation: Defy gravity with foot trampolines! Strap these babies on and get ready to jump. . .out of this world!*

Reality: One giant leap to the emergency room. I mean come on, the commercial showed kids moon-shoeing up grass stairs and jumping rope. Did anyone try combining Moon Shoes with Skip It? Because if you’re going to get hurt, you might as well commit to it.


9. Twister

Expectation: “Twister – the hot spot!” combined with the crazy squiggly lined special effects in this commercial definitely made me think that playful electrocution was involved.

Reality: Awkward and boring. The only shock in this game was feeling someone’s chin on your butt.


10. Beanie Babies

Expectation: If you keep your collection in good condition (it’s all about the tags, people!) your precious Beanie Babies will one day be worth thousands — maybe even millions!

Reality: Kindling for your fire

So come on Pokémon cards, don’t fail us now!

(Featured image via,  Play Doh via, Fly via, Destruction via, Dog via, Chandler via, Slip N’s Slide via, Body Slam via, Egg Crack via, Worth It via, Ghost via, Moon Shoes via, Money via, Ebay via)

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