Life Without “30 Rock”: A Eulogy

Friends, Family, Hulu+ Subscribers — Welcome.

We gather here today to mourn the loss of our seven year soul sister, 30 Rock.

What’s the past tense for scam? Is it scrumped? Tina Fey, I think it’s appropriate to guesstimate that you just got scrumped. The scam of course being that 30 Rock just got the final boot.

We tried to save you, 30 Rock, but some things just cannot be saved. Polaroid was oddly not one of those things. Had only we been so successful. This impossible project proved truly impossible. When I heard even Alec Baldwin had offered to give up 20% of his paycheck in exchange for a full seventh and eighth season my eyes welled up in tears–I couldn’t believe 20% of his paycheck would pay for TWO seasons of a TV show. He must have an absurd paycheck. Later I also got pretty misty over the fact that had become strikingly clear: NBC’s refusal was a nonnegotiable. TGS was OVER. No more awkward Liz. No more awkward Kenneth. No more awkward Tracy. No more awkward Jenna. No more awkward all the characters besides Jack. No more awkward anything, I guess. I might have to watch This Old House on PBS now. As someone we know would say, “Nerds.”

Back to reality. Oops, here comes gravity.

As with most casts of characters that have inhabited televisions and lives for years on end, seeing them leave is hard. Who will we talk about like they’re our friends? Our real friends? The cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S? Ok, yeah, the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. For so many of us, this caravan of weirdos was our second family (or third or fourth, depending on how many real families you have to start). Nonetheless, those twenty-two minutes of laughter answered our questions about life for seven years.

How should we live every week? Like it’s Shark Week. 

What’s the adult dating-world like? Your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.

What if we don’t know all the answers? There’s a lot about this world that we don’t understand, like the afterlife or how bread becomes toast.

No life rock was left unturned.

Whether in moments of ultimate gut-wrenching giggles or truly horrific Lutz blunders, you did what you came to do: deter applicants from applying to the NBC Page Program. And for that, we thank you.

30 Rock, how much do we love thee? More than Kenneth Parcell loves television, you say? More than we all love television?! Let me count the ways. No, wait. Let this compilation of best quotes count the ways (there are many). Or this montage of Dr. Spaceman medical moments (there are many). Or this collection of 50 Greatest guest stars (there are 50). Or the number of pints of 30 Rock inspired Ben & Jerry’s Liz Lemon will be eaten out of love and/or sadness (there will be at least 200).

If I can leave you with two life lessons today they are that a life spent laughing is a life spent living, and that there ain’t no party like a Liz Lemon party ’cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory. So here’s to you, 30 Rock. It’s been fun. We’ll be here, thinking about you, workin’ on our night cheese every Thursday night. High-five a million television angels for us.

Rest in syndication, amen.

Image via RollingStone