License to Chew

Anyone who knows me know I have issues with certain noises. One of the WORST is gum chewing. Gum chewing should really require some sort of license. I truly don’t believe everyone is mentally equipped to chew gum, just like not everyone is mentally equipped to operate a motor vehicle. Here’s some ways you would fail the gum chewing license exam:

1. Blowing bubbles (unless you are under the age of 8 and don’t know better).
2. Chewing with your mouth open.
3. Cracking the gum while you chew.
4. Making any sort of prolonged crinkly noise when you open the wrapper.
5. Chewing a gum with a scent so strong I can smell it two people away from you on the subway (I’m looking at you, Orbit Strawberry Mint chewers.)

But I’m a realistic woman and understand that the government probably doesn’t have enough manpower (read: they have more important things to do) to institute the licensing process. And since it probably won’t happen, I’d like to start a campaign to completely outlaw gum. (That would be easier right??) Hey, Singapore did it!!! It’s not so crazy sounding! In the interests of this effort, I’ve started thinking about beginning with a twitter hashtag campaign – #outlawgumchewing

Here’s some of my early tweet drafts:

  •  If you’re wondering why you are still single, it’s because people can see your tonsils when you chew gum.
  • If your gum is on my shoe, my foot is up your butt. (my dad wrote that one)
  • If i can smell the flavor of your gum, we have a problem.
  • If you fall asleep with gum in your mouth, you deserve to end up with it in your hair.
  • I hope your gum gets stuck in your fillings.
  • If you’re chewing gum and i’m looking at you, feel free to assume i’m harshly judging you and fantasizing your death.
  • Penalty for chewing? A fine. OF ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. The money can go to a fund for those going through gum withdrawl. The fund will be used to buy everyone Altoids (creme de menthe flavor). Hey, just because you aren’t chewing gum doesn’t mean you can have gross breath!

Coming soon…so really, who had the genius idea to serve POPCORN in PAPER BAGS at the movies? Could movie food get any louder than that? Oh wait, it did. With NACHOS!!!

You can read more from Jessica Combs on her Twitter.

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