In lieu of a review for “The Last Jedi,” here’s just everything I said aloud to myself during the latest “Star Wars” movie

As Mark Hamill so eloquently put it the other week, there’s literally no one on the planet who doesn’t know there’s a Star Wars movie (and, as Hamill said, the penguins in Antartica know that there’s a new Star Wars movie). You have already decided if you’re going to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi — and you’ve probably already bought tickets — so there is absolutely nothing I cay say right now, either good or bad, that will sway you one way or the other from seeing the movie.

Sure, I could give a glowing review of the movie, telling you exactly why it is a cinematic masterpiece in every regard, from the plot, to the action, to the casting, to the beautiful cinematography that starts the moment the movie begins and ends with the very last shot. I could overtly praise the snappy dialogue of The Last Jedi, which, paired with Oscar Isaac’s deadpan delivery of many lines and space swagger I haven’t seen since Han Solo, makes for the funniest Star Wars movie in a while.

I could tell you all about how newcomer Kelly Marie Tran is an absolute delight, and that someone should insert her into every single Star Wars movie, both past and present. I could even explain to you that Last Jedi even sort of makes sense of the Force, because no one has really ever described the Force in a great way. But I’m not going to do that. You’ve already decided if you’re seeing it or not! Like I said, nothing I tell you now will send you back to the theater to refund your tickets. You’re seeing this movie.

And since I’ve already seen this movie, and I want to talk to you about it but I can’t because #SPOILERS, I’m just going to tell you everything I said aloud over the course of the movie. I’m not a movie talker, but I do talk to myself during movies. IDK why, I just get overly excited/emotional sometimes, okay? Sometimes you just gotta mutter an “Oh hell no [spoiler spoiler spoiler]” under your breath.

Here’s what I said, in somewhat of an order:

“Don’t you dare.”
“Holy shit”
“[shocked high pitched gasp]”
“I have some follow-up questions.”
“My BB!” (This is about BB-8)
“My BB!” (And now this one is about Poe Dameron)
“I was hiding under your porch because I love you.”
“Can I buy a Porg window cling.”
“Omg, please let it be [spoiler].”
“That was amazing.” 
“How did she…?”
“[whisper] No.”

Even though you already know this, The Last Jedi opens in theaters on December 15th.