John Mayer Ruined My Relationship (But It’s Not His Fault)

We broke up because I retweeted John Mayer.

And then we got into a fight because I tweeted, “we broke up because I retweeted John Mayer.”

Okay we didn’t really break-up because I retweeted John Mayer. But that was one of the final fights. “You idolize a trashy musician. It’s embarrassing for me as a guy who is dating you. You should be embarrassed as an adult,” he texted the night before I dumped him.

Truth is I wasn’t embarrassed. I saw this coming. We fought about my borderline-creepy Mayer obsession before. But I still wanted this relationship to work. The hopeless romantic in me was convinced we were soul mates because we both loved The Simpsons and hated the pretzel pieces in Chex Mix. I wanted to be perfect for him. Even if it meant giving up the one thing I loved the most. So I stopped listening to my favorite artist John Mayer. I treated my music taste like an addiction and cut it out cold turkey. Sure, there were some relapses. When we fought, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with, “When You’re Dreaming with A Broken Heart” on loop. I’d quickly hide the evidence, deleting my YouTube history of Mayer’s live performances, ashamed.

It’s ironic (did I use “ironic” right?) that Mayer’s music created a wedge between me and my now ex. John Mayer is artist who’s known for songs like “Your Body is A Wonderland” and “Daughters” –  songs that men use to seduce women. But it’s not just the music. It’s the lifestyle. You see, I don’t just listen to John Mayer, I live his music. I use his lyrics as dating advice. Opting to not see a therapist and instead relying on his song lyrics as my therapy. Which in hindsight is probably a terrible idea.

Here are five lyrics I’ve been living by (and most likely misinterpreting) that have ruined my (love) life. This is what happens when you take dating advice from John Mayer song lyrics:

1. “You love who you love.” (Who You Love)

He treats me like crap but OH WELL! This is who I love! Now why isn’t he texting me back?!

2. “Say what you need to say.” (Say)

You don’t have to tell me twice! I use this rule of thumb for my twitter feed. Which explains my twitter feed, and my habit of tweeting and deleting. But hey! I’m just saying what I need to say!

3. “Don’t say a word just come over and lie here with me. Cause I’m gonna go back on all the things I believe.” (Edge of Desire)

In his live performance at the Hollywood Bowl, before he goes into this song he says something, which has always stuck with me, “When they ask you if you’re up and you’re up and you love them, tell them, just write back, ‘yep, come over.’” I’ve done that. And then I’ve entered that gray area again. Cause if you love that person and you are female, you’re gonna want to know what that meant, and where this is going. You’re going to get upset if you check his Instagram the day after your reunion to see him posing with some girls. I’d use this song as the hall pass to hang out with an ex. Lesson learned: Don’t recycle exes. It’s called dumped for a reason.

4. “I’m Gonna Find Another You.” (I’m Gonna Find Another You)

No. I should probably find someone who is NOTHING, like you. Because you are the reason why I am currently crying on the floor of the bathroom. I want a “you” that doesn’t make me sob profusely because I interoperated your “sure” on g-chat as “this is over.”

5. “Rage in the age of worry.” (The Age of Worry)

I’m freaking out about the uncertainty of where this is going. So I am going to drink a bottle of wine and then text you cryptic emojis until I somehow feel validated. Worry, why should I care? (I do, I care TOO much).

But then there’s the saving grace. The one song I think (hope) I’m interoperating correctly. A song that came on my iTunes right before we broke up. A song that assured me this was the right thing to do.

“We’re going down, and you know that we’re doomed. My dear, we’re slow dancing in a burning room.” (Slow Dancing in A Burning Room)

This is actually some sound advice. The room is burning. Stop delaying the inevitable! Save yourself! Get out! Mayer has another song called St. Patrick’s Day, which I think is about that same feeling. The feeling when you want to break-up with someone but you don’t because of the timing, so you delay it. Halloween is the worst time to start a relationship. Because it’s followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve, Valentine’s Day, His Birthday. And you don’t want to be alone for the holidays, nor do you want to abandon him cause now you’re invested. So you’re stuck in this relationship and you can’t seem to get out of, because you don’t know when the right time to be break-up is.

The right time to break-up is now. I broke up with my ex two days before Valentine’s Day because I was miserable. We both were. If you are unhappy in a relationship, what are you doing? You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. And if you can’t find that someone right now, it’s going to be okay because you are: “Perfectly Lonely” There is nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone is invigorating, exciting, fascinating, and fun. You’re free! You have no one to worry about but yourself. Embrace it and treat yourself!

If I can take anything away from this experience it’s that John Mayer is a musician, not a therapist. And to stop dating jerks. If someone truly loves you, they will not want to change you or, “refine your presence,” as my ex so politically put. Never change who you are for someone you are dating. There is someone out there who will like you for you. Be with someone who finds your flaws endearing rather than embarrassing. If you can’t find that person now, don’t slow dance in a burning room with a Mr. Right Now just so you won’t be alone. In the words of Michael Bublé, another artist that pops up on my John Mayer Pandora station frequently, it’s okay because, “I just haven’t met you yet.”

Image via here.