A round-up of the all-time best John Mulaney jokes

I’ve never been one who’s been much into stand-up. I mean, don’t get me wrong — I’m not some awful, boring monster who doesn’t like to laugh. It just takes a lot for me to find stand-up funny, and I’m pretty picky with my specials. But one person who has absolutely nailed it for me time and time again is John Mulaney.

John Mulaney’s New In Town left us all rolling on the ground with laughter in 2012, and after taking a bit of a break from standup to work on his sitcom, he’s back on the stage, cracking us all up again. And now, his latest special, The Comeback Kid (many of the jokes in which I had the pleasure to see live, and I can tell you, it’s all beautiful), is on Netflix TODAY. I REPEAT, TODAY.

In honor of John’s new special, here are some of our favorite jokes John’s made in the past.

Home Alone 2

There are plenty of plot holes we can find in classic films. But John has found a pretty darn big plot hole in Home Alone 2. . . or maybe it’s just proving that Kevin is a *little* bit slow. Mainly, how did Kevin get lost in the streets of New York?! It’s just basic math. (Start the video here at 1:00 for a minute of full brilliance.)

The Salt and Pepper Diner

One of my top favorite John Mulaney jokes involves him just being an awful, awful person with his friend. But it’s seriously the best. John and his friend (also named John) decided to go to a diner jukebox and play “What’s New Pussy Cat” a bonkers amount of times. . . and then sit back and watch people go, well, bonkers. The entire thing is just a perfect example of how John Mulaney’s joke timing is *actually* perfection — and it only takes six minutes to listen to, hooray!

Terrible Driver

Ever do something really stupid while driving and feel like a total idiot? John has, many times. He only got his license in his mid-twenties, and his experiences on the highway have been. . . um, interesting, to say the least. But luckily, John doesn’t shy away from self-deprecation, and we get to laugh about it forever. Watch him talk about the time he almost accidentally made a U-turn and totally panicked.

Special Victims and Ice-T

John really, really likes Law and Order. He incorporates the show (and his obsession with it) into several of his specials. But one of his favorite things about the show? Ice-T and his interesting acting skills. Mainly, the fact that although Ice-T is the leading guy in New York criminal investigation, he seems to be kind of clueless as to what his job actually is. (This one is NSFW, BTW. . . so watch it when you’re at home, OK?)

Doing Nothing

We all know that beautiful feeling that washes over you when plans are canceled. John has nailed down the science of this feeling, and it’s hilarious because IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. So next time you’re feeling totally lazy and considering whether you should go out to eat with that acquaintance or not, watch him make this brilliant joke. . . and you’ll probably end up canceling said plans.

Blacking Out and Making Money

John has given up alcohol. He is completely sober now, and we’re really proud of him. But he’s totally unafraid to use said things in his stand-up comedy, and the result is gold.

We all know that drinking can be hard on the wallet, partially because drinks are expensive, and partially because drinking makes you way less afraid to spend your money. But one thing that concerned John a little bit? The fact that sometimes, he would black out during a night of drinking, then wake up with. . . more money. But luckily for us, his recount of this is absolutely hysterical.

The One Thing You Can’t Replace

This is another story about John’s drunken antics, but the one with the ultimate twist. It goes into pooping on computers, a sea of drunken toddlers, and running from the police. . . and here’s the thing: NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE THE TWIST. Who knew a five-minute joke could be such a whirlwind?

John’s Proposal Story

This one wasn’t even a part of his stand-up, but it proves that he can even make talk-show hosts completely LOSE IT with laughter. John explained to Pete Holmes why his proposal to his girlfriend didn’t go exactly according to plan, and Pete could barely contain himself and had to cover his face several times throughout the two-minute story.

Oh, John, how we love you. Tune into Netflix ASAP to watch John’s new special, The Comeback Kid!

(Image via Instagram.)

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