My 30-year-old sexual epiphany

People say that turning 30 is a milestone. You become more of an adult than you were at 29 ¾. You somehow have a better understanding of who you are and what your needs and wants are. And it just magically happens on your 30th birthday. Ridiculous, right? Well, for me, it couldn’t have been more spot-on.

I’ve always dated boys. Lots of them. At least, lots of first dates. A handful lasted a few months, but rarely, if ever, would they amount to lasting relationships. I would always find something wrong with the guys, even if they were great (they weren’t always great). I started to think something was wrong with me. Maybe I’m too picky? Maybe I’m incapable of having a real long-term relationship? One where two people love each other unconditionally, want to spend all of their time together and are attracted to each other in every way possible (physically, emotionally, spiritually, sense of humor-ly, etc.). I knew I had a lot to offer someone, so what was the problem?

I was searching for the wrong person.

I come from a liberal family, have a great group of open-minded friends and I live in West Hollywood (one of the gay capitals of the world). So, why did it take me so long to figure out that the problem wasn’t that I was incapable of loving, or that I couldn’t find the right guy? I don’t know. But it did.

When I turned 30 last June, I discovered that I wanted to be with a woman. Literally, on my birthday, I had a gay epiphany. A gaypiphany. So many of my friends are gay, my sister is a lesbian, my uncle is gay, other members of my family are gay and it’s possible my dog is gay. I’ve always been surrounded by gay. It just never occurred to me that I might be gay, because gay just never felt right to me.

I fell in love with a woman, and I’m still in love with that woman. We are going to get married, have kids and do life together forever. I have no desire to be with a man, but I also have no desire to be with another woman. So, for me, it’s not about being gay or straight. It’s about being in love.

People ask me all the time, “So, you’re a lesbian now?” My honest answer is, “I don’t know, and I don’t really care.” I just feel like me. But to satisfy the need for people to understand, I may say yes, I may say no or I may say, “What should we have for lunch?” Sexual identity is confusing for people, because it’s not black and white (or gay or straight). We’ve been taught that we’re one thing or the other, and when you’re one thing, it’s really hard to understand what it must be like to be the other.

I believe we can fall in love with anyone at anytime. Straight, gay, bisexual and whatever else someone may be… we’re all the same. We all want love. Of course, a lot of lesbians label themselves as lesbians, and the same with gay men; however, that isn’t the case for everyone. But that doesn’t make their love and commitment any less real. I just consider myself to be the way I am right now, and that very well may last me the rest of my life.

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