How to Write a Resume, You Magnificent Creature, You.

1. Look at your resume. Look away from your resume. Look at the pizza from last night. Is it pizza time? Yes it is.

2. Eat some damn pizza. Eat it with dipping sauce. Eat it and think about what a good resume you will have once your steamy pizza slice is done.

3. Time to sit down at the table and get to business on this resume. Look at the resume you have lovingly worked on for the past four years. Look at the example your teacher sent you which is very different from what you already have. Press delete and erase your old resume. Wave goodbye to your screen. Don’t worry, you were thinking about changing everything about it anyway.

4. Pizza time again! You have run out of the pizza you ordered last night, so eat the pizza your friend left in your fridge. She ordered pineapple and mushroom which is gross-ville, but you have work to get done, dammit, and you are willing to take the hit of some bad pizza toppings. Eat it anyway. God, you are practically an American hero.

5. Go online and look at beauty blogs. Decide that you need to try coconut oil on your hair just as soon as you can pop out to the grocery store. Maybe you should go now before they close…No, back to the resume!

6. Bite off all your fingernails.

7. Remember that you haven’t watched Happy Endings in like two weeks! And they want to cancel it if they don’t get better ratings! Do your civic duty and watch all the episodes you have missed while you were reading books for class, writing papers, and having generalized anxiety about graduation.

8. Are you going to listen to the new Taylor Swift album again? Hell yes you are.

8a. Can you pull off a cat ear headband?

9. Just start typing anything so you can make some progress of this resume. Play with the spacing to make it look like you’ve spent the past four years doing something other than marathoning TV on your laptop.

10. You are almost done. You may have just listed “maintaining an aesthetically pleasing tumblr” under the Professional Experience section, but you are just a few words away from a full page of personal attributes to hand over to a future employer. Just type faster – type like the wind.

11. Get down to the references section and list people who have told you they think you’re awesome and feel at least a little bit better about your future. At the very least, you can always be a camp counselor for another summer…right?

12. Finish your resume. Congratulations, you beautiful, future career-woman, you. You are fantastic. You are the future of writing. You are an eagle soaring over the abyss. You have yet to write a cover letter, but that’s okay because you are still riding the high of getting something accomplished on a Saturday. You can do anything. The world is your oyster.

13. Grab a slice or two in victory. Since you are celebrating, you might as well head to the couch. Decide that if you are going to be sitting there anyway you might as well take a quick TV break. Eat your pizza, you twin-of-Beyoncé, you, and watch those Kardashians. You deserve it.

Read more from Genny Glassman here.

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