How to talk to your partner about going down on you more
When it comes to communicating with our partners about our sexual needs, things can get a little, well, awkward. As much as we all may want to be our most empowered, sexually satisfied selves, the practical reality is that it’s challenging for many women to open up on this front. And this can be especially true when it comes to asking our partners to go down on us more.
This can pose a larger problem when we consider the fact that that 75% of women say they can’t orgasm from intercourse alone. And oral sex can be an amazingly effective and pleasurable way for these women to climax in the bedroom (and for all women in general).
Because we’re well aware that broaching this specific topic isn’t easy for many, we spoke to Las Vegas-based sex coach Nikki Lundberg and asked for her expert advice on this still all-too-often taboo topic.
In an e-mail exchange with HelloGiggles, Lundberg noted that she believes the biggest factor that prevents women from asking for oral sex is “shame.”
"That shame can come in many different forms," she wrote. "Self-consciousness/body image issues, fear of rejection or judgement, fear of how long it will take to climax, and learned beliefs that effect our views on sex for pleasure (instead of procreation) or "deserve levels" (how much pleasure you deserve to receive)."
However, she also noted that there are absolutely things we can do to get more comfortable opening up a dialogue with our partner.
“To initiate the conversation, realize that you are getting vulnerable with your partner and talk about that first,” she wrote. “[…] Talk about how they can listen to you when you share something vulnerable, i.e. – reflective listening, not trying to fix you, not taking what you say personally against them. Connecting intimately and vulnerably is an ongoing process and there are a tons of resources to help those who have challenges with it.”
Lundberg also provided a concrete way to help you and your partner get more comfortable with oral sex.
She said to initially frame it in the form of “practice sessions,” because, “By putting it in the form of ‘practice’ or ‘exploration’ you can take a lot of performance pressure off the situation.” She then recommended the following steps:
1. Focus on one person being the giver and one being the receiver.
2. Set a time limit. Do the activity for 15 to 30 minutes.
3. Afterward discuss the experience. What was good? What could have been better?
"Doing this exploration will give you more confidence around receiving oral pleasure because you will be able to talk about it more openly," she wrote. "Then, when you are having sexy time and you are in the heat of the moment you will already have practiced ways to communicate and it will be much easier."