How To Survive An Apocalypse In 5 Steps

Apocalypse is big business. Seems like everyone wants to have their say about how and when the apocalypse will go down. Especially John Cusack. And boy, did he ever get it wrong! NONE OF THAT stuff happened last year AT ALL. The producers of 2012 must feel totally stupid!

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have to prepare. Because we have to survive. “We will prevail. Life will go on.” — Morgan Freeman, in the asteroid movie that wasn’t Armageddon.

Here’s how to survive an apocalypse. It is surprisingly easier than surviving a party alone.

BUILD A CASTLE

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That’s what this one family did, in the event of nuclear explosions and other just-in-cases. As a plus, they got their own reality TV show, Doomsday Castle, on National Geographic. This actually benefits everyone, because now we can study everything they’re doing and steal all of their ideas. Which brings me to…

STUDY HISTORY

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Read up on previous catastrophic events, both real and imagined. Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Handbook is very well thought out. It’s the zombie apocalypse bible. It makes you wonder how you would do in a zombie disaster. I would not do very well (and you can read about that here). Basically, my plan of attack would be to crack jokes and team up with people who know what they’re doing. If you’re focused on the zombie thing, watch every piece of zombie media you can find. If you’re focused on a larger, greater apocalypse, a film recently came out called This Is The End, but I don’t think it starred anyone famous.

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STOCKPILE EVERYTHING

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Food and water are the obvious essentials, but don’t forget medical supplies, gas, soap, blankets, toilet paper, tampons, can openers/other necessary utensils, a radio, batteries and a pair of scissors (because holy crap, I can never find scissors when I need them, and you may want to have an arts and crafts day or something, I don’t know). And far be it from me to deny anyone their vices during the apocalypse. When the world goes to hell, I don’t think anyone’s going to fault you for chugging a bottle of vodka or chain smoking. In fact, I would stock up on cigarettes ESPECIALLY if you don’t smoke because sweet fancy Moses, cigarettes in the apocalypse are going to be worth more than gold. Money has no place in the apocalypse. People will be trading for food, gas, water and weapons. You think you can wave a stack of Bennys at an asteroid and say, “Hey bro, let’s work something out”? Try it.

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ASSEMBLE A TEAM

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Know who your friends are now so you know who you can rely on when stuff gets real. That’s good advice in life, but especially important in a post-apocalyptic world. You need to know who you can trust, who’s going to bail you out in a jam. And not a delicious homemade peach jam – a real Cormac McCarthy jam. And you need to know your own strengths and weaknesses and make sure your team is even, in that everyone has their role and can help each other become a stronger unit.

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 KEEP A JOURNAL

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Or a captain’s log, if you’d rather call it that. The point is to keep track of time, supplies and events. At some point, TV will stop broadcasting news, radio stations will turn off and the Internet will shut down. And then what? Then all we’ll have are our stories and events as we write them down. It is up to us to create a new future, and thus, a new history. You’ll want to list all of your rations so that you’ll know for sure if Tony is stealing your Pop Tarts. Because he will.

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