How To Survive a Season Finale

By Melanie schmitz

May 19, 2013

By Melanie schmitz

May 19, 2013

‘Tis the season to be miserable. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

With the impending close of many of our favorite television shows until the fall lineup begins again (and some forever– JAM. What do I do now without the Halperts!?), it feels fitting that a survival strategy be put into place. We all suffer withdrawals from regularly scheduled programming, whether from Elementary and NCIS, Honey Boo Boo or The Voice, Doctor Who or Supernatural. Perhaps you’re one of the unfortunate few who have been resigned to the darkest corners of “permanent hiatus” status (I’m looking at you, Fringe, Firefly, and Dirty Jobs fans). However you plan to spend your summer, the hardest part is first weathering the brute force of this spring’s crushing season finales. The following are tips for coming out unscathed on the other side of that emotional hurricane:

1. Take a snack. You can’t properly nourish your soul without nourishing your body first. Your vessel knows what it wants. It knows what it needs. And what it needs is peanut butter and Nutella. Lots of it. Preferably on top of vanilla Häagen-Dazs. With your dietary needs met, your body will be able to process anything from a faked death to finding out that, actually, everyone was already dead. Thanks a lot, Damon Lindelof.

2. Have a “WTF” moment. Most of us try to maintain some semblance of adult behavior at all times, whether it means holding down the office while everyone else decides to take a long lunch at the new Mexican place down the street, not cussing out your paper and pencil while filling in bubbles at the university testing center, or just sweating a little less when the dog down the street starts to chase you on your morning run. This is not one of those times. You’ve had a lot to deal with, girl. Damon totally does deserve Elena. Feel free to freak out when the person you never thought would _____ actually did _____. That jerk had it coming. What does everything MEAN now that they’ve kissed? Where did that bad guy get that ___?! Go on. Do your thing.

3. Panic. As with #3, it goes without saying that the only logical step after shock is to have a mini-meltdown. If you’re in need of some prompting, allow me to offer up a few head-starts:

“OH GOD. The Angels. What happened to the Angels?!? Castiel? Dean? SAMMY!!!” “Hyperventilate. Hyperventilate. That kiss! I KNEW those two belonged together. ‘Densi’ is totally canon now. I knew it!!! Densi. DENSI. Wait…. NOW WHAT?!” “Oh my god. But Nick is good enough for you, Jess! He loves you, can’t you SEE IT? He is the Turtle-Face to your Quirky-Cute! Whatdya mean I have to wait until the fall to ‘find out what happens’?!”

4. Cry. This step is optional. For people who have no functioning tear-ducts.

5. Blog angrily about your feelings. It’s time to head over to your local WordPress, Tumblr, or Blogger and vent. This stage is important as it allows anthropologists to study human behavior after one suffers the loss of a beloved character or the whiplash of a David Shore House M.D. finale. The findings of these studies will facilitate guaranteed future breakdowns, courtesy of your favorite television writers. Joss Whedon will kill off another one of your favorite characters. Posterity will continue forward as scheduled.

6. Begrudgingly move on to your favorite summer series. Fiona, Sam, and Michael Westen are all itching to take out a few bad guys over on the final season of USA’s Burn Notice, and there are plenty of would-be stars dusting off their Lycra and jazz-shoes in the wings of this season’s So You Think You Can Dance?. So take a moment to settle your nerves (after repeating steps 2-6 a few times) and grab a cold glass of whichever beverage suits your fancy. Choose a breezy evening and a light blanket. Be stoked that Arrested Development is finally back on Netflix and prepare yourself to blow up some watermelons with the crew of MythBusters..