How To Lose A Girl In Ten Minutes

To say I’m choosy about dating is probably an understatement.  In the spirit of being nicer and also not dying alone, I am currently making an effort to give people a chance.  Unfortunately sometimes you give a guy who seemed nice a chance and he proceeds to ruin the experience so completely that you wonder why you even tried.

“Ja’ke” was a guy I met through one of those sports leagues where you play elementary school sports in the name of meeting people.  I was lukewarm about him, but he was clearly into me, seemed like a nice enough guy, my friends liked him, and when people not showing up to a party meant I had ended up spending a few hours of one on one time with him, I decided that I’d give it a shot.  He proceeded to blow his chance with me in every way possible.

Are you looking to rid yourself of a girl in short order?  Here are some tips:

Insult her friends:  Jake is 23.  I run with a crowd that is pushing but not yet quite at 30.  In perhaps the first 20 minutes of our conversation, Jake managed to incorrectly insinuate that one of my friends was having some sort of pre-30 crisis and another was desperate to get married.  Even had these allegations been true, the way to win over a girl is not to say derogatory or judgmental things about her friends.  Girls are not actually competitive bitches who want to think that guys think they’re better than our friends.  We actually quite like our girlfriends and tend not to want to hang out with guys who say mean things about them.

Tell her you’ve had 10 drinks at like, 9pm.  I am not impressed with your tolerance or your ability to still be functional.  I am concerned you’re an alcoholic.

Call anyone you’ve dated “crazy.”  This is, honestly, the biggest red flag in the world.  In my experience, none of these girls are ever crazy.  And you know if a guy is referring to some other girl in this manner, it’s only a matter of time til he’s referring to you the same way if you make the mistake of dating him.  This poor maligned girl committed the heinous sins of asking him to stay out dancing a little longer while at a club, and repeatedly calling him, once from her friend’s phone.  In my experience, these things are not “crazy.”  They are “normal things that girls in their 20’s do.”  If she kept you at the club by handcuffing you to a stripper pole, then you have a story.  If she asked you politely to stay and you chose to, that’s on you.

Constantly one-up her.  Everything I had done, Jake had done it better.  I attempted to convey an anecdote about a hilarious brunch date I went on, he interrupted to tell me that the best brunch ever in all the world was in Providence, because “even college students line up to go there.”  Having been a college student, I can attest that our taste in food is not always the greatest.  I mentioned I was thinking of buying some shelves for my living room, and he pooh-pooh-ed my desire to spend money on actual grownup furniture and insisted that his shelves were the grandest in all the land.  I have passed the phase in my life in which I want to buy furniture that involves the words “particle board” or “Amazon,” as his did.  Pro tip:  if you want to impress a girl, do so on your own merits, not by trying to explain all the ways in which you know better than her.

Casual misogyny!  Sharing a story about how your method of greeting all your female friends in college was slapping them on the ass does not make me think you’re a cool guy because you have all these girls who are comfortable with you treating them in such a manner.  It makes you sound like an entitled jackass who’s totally down with the “Blurred Lines” culture we live in.

Tell her what she wants and never listen to anything she says.  Don’t tell a girl what she wants to hear.  Just tell her want she wants, because obviously you know better than she does.  If you ask her what she’s looking for in a guy and she tells you, don’t contradict her.  This may come as a shock, but sometimes people say things not to hear the sound of their own voice, but because they mean them.  Here’s a hint:  if a girl tells you she ‘isn’t dating right now because she’s working on herself,’ this is not a coded phrase for “I’m really insecure and I want you to validate me and tell me I’m perfect as I am.”  It is either a literal statement that a girl isn’t dating because it’s a huge timesuck and she wants some time to work on herself, or it is a coded phrase for “I am not dating you right now, or probably ever, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying that.”   Also, if you repeatedly ask a girl to meet you for a meal the next day and she says she has errands to run, this doesn’t mean you should just keep insisting she have brunch with you (plus, it’s not the brunch in Providence so it probably won’t be that great anyway).  It means she really needs to go to the Container Store, or she just doesn’t want to have brunch with you.  Let it go.

While any of the items on that list would have been enough to make me question someone, having them all checked off over the course of an evening sent me running for the hills.  Maybe I’m still being too picky.  But I’d like to think that holding out for someone who’s nice and respectful wouldn’t be too much to ask.

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