How To Enjoy Disneyland When You’re Not Mariah Carey

Disney Princess Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon renewed their wedding vows at Disneyland in a private and extravagant ceremony. Mariah went all Michael Jackson and got the park shut down. SHE GOT THE DISNEYLAND CLOSED. Do you have any idea how jealous I am? It’s like she’s Princess of Disneyland. That is a title I will never claim, but she upholds it beautifully. She is worthy.

The first thing I ever wrote for HelloGiggles was Top 10 Best Outfits In Disney Films back when we first launched in what now seems like 1862. I’ve gone on to write If Indie Bands Covered Disney Songs and Top 10 Biggest Jerks In Disney Films and probably other things about Disney that strongly suggest I am the sort of person who acts like meeting Mickey Mouse is a bigger deal than meeting Bill Murray — AND I AM.

I mean, look at this. Look at this all this damn enchantment.

Look at these unbelievable sights and/or indescribable feelings!

Don’t you dare close your eyes.

I am betting that most of us who are reading this will never, ever get to have this grand of a Disneyland experience. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a great one. Here’s how to enjoy Disneyland when you’re not Mariah Carey.

Be cool when meeting the Disney characters. They get swarmed for photos and autographs all the time, and they’re used to people crying over them and running away and touching their faces, so it would be a nice gesture of you to be chill. Simply nod at Aladdin. If you get the chance to approach him, be casual. Something like, “Hey man, I really enjoy your work.” Don’t expect that you’re going to become best friends. If you feel like you can go for it, ask, “Mind if I get a photo real quick?” Aladdin is a very, very busy man. He is A-list Disney. Yeah, he’s no Jack Sparrow (don’t even get me started) but he has meetings with dignitaries all over the world and reservations at enchanted caves before they close/disappear forever, so you should really be respectful of his time. Remember: they’re just like us.

Don’t be afraid to ask your friends to carry you. Sure, they might tell you it was a stupid decision on your part to wear your new Miu Miu platform peep toe Mary Janes, but that’s when you point out how amazing the shoes are and say, “Permission to climb aboard” and jump on their back. They’ll get into the spirit, especially once you start singing “Yo ho yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” and give them festive pirate names like Captain McGyvarrrrr Collins. (This next part isn’t a joke.) The tip of Disneyland to the tip of its accompanying park, California Adventure, is 1 mile. You can burn a lot of calories and walk a hell of a lot while spending an entire day at Disneyland. Even with eating high calorie delicious Disney goodness, you’ll even it out with all that walking. AND THEY HAVE GLUTEN-FREE BREAD NOW! (Okay, the part after this is a joke again.) So climb aboard your fiends and shout, “Land, HO!”

Indulge yourself. This is Disneyland. It’s like Willy Wonka’s factory meets –actually, no it doesn’t have to be anything meets anything, it’s Disneyland! Have fun! Don’t worry if you get lost and start crying for your mom. That’s totally okay, and it happens a lot. Be stress-free. Don’t go to the park during peak seasons/hours. It’s way easier to be stress-free and not lose your mom when it’s not crowded. BUT IF it is crowded, just take a deep breath and slap some smiles on your stupid face and on the faces of everyone around you. The line for Splash Mountain is 2 hours? Oh wow, this is definitely going to ruin the rest of your entire life. You’ll be an old person reflecting back on your youth and you’ll think, “I really wish I didn’t spend those 2 hours in the summer of 2013 waiting on line for Splash Mountain.” Chill out, everyone! It’s fine. We’re all going to be fine. Keep that aggression deep inside and then take it out on the freeway driving home, where it belongs.