How to deal when your ex writes a pop song about you

Breakups: One of the most popular topics on any lifestyle magazine or blog. My post-breakup story is a little different than most. Each day felt closer to achieving ultimate healing, until…

You’re browsing the candle aisle at Ross in an attempt to mask the shitty day you had at work. You smell a lemongrass-scented one, when a song comes over the speaker…a spunky pop song that sounds like it could be track number 18 on Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 4. You can’t escape the young crooning voice. The track sounds like a flat soda spilled on a Lisa Frank folder. You run to the towel aisle, hoping the thick woven cotton will muffle the sound. It doesn’t.

Don’t date a music producer.

The breakup will haunt you and follow you in your every day life, whether it is at a nearby Ross or in a crumb-speckled booth at an empty Chili’s.

It will haunt you because he will write a song based off of your failed relationship, and let you know that it is possibly being picked up by Justin Bieber.

How sweet of him to share.

So what do you do? You listen to the words your ex wrote, wishing that you too could play the victim and project it to all the rolling individuals at this year’s Coachella. The bouncing flash tattoos will sparkle in the moonlight during this depressing DJ set. The song, unfortunately, is so upbeat that the crowd can’t even tell they’re moshing to a wasted year of fraudulent love. Poor, deceived millennials.

There’s good news in this. It wasn’t Bieber who picked up these three minutes of EDM heart ache. (Thank God, because I love the Biebs.) So in anticipation of this new song’s release, with words that sting a dedicated woman’s heart… what do you do leading up to Spotify’s “New Music Friday?” Do you run to the nearest Vons and grab the new Ben & Jerry’s flavor, “It’s Mint to Be,” and finish the pint in ten minutes? Do you do something drastic and get your nipples pierced to experience even more pain than you are already feeling? Do you graffiti a billboard of La La Land because you too are an aspiring actor who had a failed relationship with a musician, except you’re not famous yet, nor are you the perfect Emma Stone?

You don’t do any of the above. Instead, you write this love letter to all who have experienced heart break in their twenties, and let them know that these chapters pass.

Time heals, as does a sunburn. You just remember to apply more sunblock next time. You accept what a strong person you are and that everything happens for a reason. You move on with your life and your aspirations, with your head held high. You continue to love as hard as you have loved, because that is the greatest gift we have to offer — especially during this period of time in political history. You shine even brighter with your funny, positive spirit, and intoxicate any one who crosses your path.

You buy that lemongrass candle from Ross, and maybe even some flash tattoos in the sale section.

You go on iTunes and purchase the song that you inspired as a token of your hurt, and to remember that you moved someone enough to write a melodic duet memoir, whether it be true or not.

You light that candle, transfer those flash tattoos on to your now sunblocked skin, and mosh with the rest of the world to that song…because life goes on. We have one chance to live it to the fullest. Why let anyone take that away?

Clarice Diers grew up performing on the stage in Jacksonville, Florida…mostly playing the comedic relief. She graduated with a BFA from the University of Oklahoma and continued her acting through film and medical scenarios at Mayo Clinic’s Simulation Center, birthing plastic life-size babies. She is now in LA, performing stand up comedy and writing comedically. When she is not maneuvering her corporate pay-the-rent job, you can find her hanging out with her adopted baby parrot on Instagram. You can follow her on Twitter, too.