How to Annoy Boys Into Loving You

It’s FALLLLL, and you know what that means… oh yeah, baby, it’s ROM-COM time. Bring it on, I want it all: Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Pride & Prejudice, The Wedding Planner, Two Weeks Notice, Notting Hill, 500 Days of Summer, When Harry Met Sally… and the list goes on and on and on, culminating at Christmas time with The Holiday and, of course, Love, Actually.

I don’t know what it is about the fall that drives my lady hormones absolutely bonkers. Perhaps it’s all the soft fabrics and beautiful leaf colors (or maybe it’s not), but either way, fall is when my hope for humanity (and scarves) is renewed. I do crazy things like spend whole half hours (okay, many many hours) watching random wedding videos online, crying like a baby and sappily writing in my journal with a hot cup of coffee in hand, literally doodling about my future. As Will Ferrell would say in Elf, “I’M IN LOVE, I’M IN LOVE AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!” Not that I’m in love with anyone in particular, rather I’m just in love with love itself. Oh fall, you devilish season.

Anyhoosy, the real revelation that is bringing on this already quirky blog post is a direct consequence of watching so many rom-coms in a row. I had my very own A Beautiful Mind moment where the room started spinning and numbers and equations started appearing out of nowhere. I was living through my own movie montage and here was the epiphany: the reason I am not dating anyone is because to my knowledge, I don’t annoy anyone enough for them to hate me now and love me later.

This is the key ingredient to roughly 90% of the rom-coms I watch. Before they fall in love, THEY ABSOLUTELY HATE EACH OTHER. Ugh, I knew this would happen to me – all those years of being nice, when I should have been annoying boys so they would love/hate me, only later to realize I am the woman of their dreams. Much like J.Lo and Matthew McHottiehey in the most classic (and underrated) rom-com of all time, The Wedding Planner.

So here is my list of how to annoy boys/get them to fall head over heels in love with you.

1. Patronize them: Treat them like they’re silly little children and don’t know anything. Say things to them like: “My third graders know that…” This will inevitably annoy the crap out of them and bring you one step closer to a lifetime of bliss and babies.
2. Criticize/insult them: Pull a Lizzie and tell your very own Mr. Darcy that “you are the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry”. I mean, BAM, it’s over. NOW HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU. You just used prevailed upon in a sentence; he doesn’t stand a chance.
3. Call/text/email them a lot: Hello, have you seen You’ve Got Mail/ How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days? These women are relentless and what do they have to show for it? Relentless love.
4. Be really self-righteous: Act really offended by everything he says/does, as if each moment warrants a “HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT IN FRONT OF ME, LADY/SIR?!” type of reaction. This is guaranteed chemistry, people.

Oh boy, I hope this helped you as much as it’s helped me. If only we had known all along that the only way to snag a man was to annoy the crap out of him first… and here I was being nice to these guys. Well, move over, because it’s no more Ms. Nice Ashley.

(Images via Metro Goldwyn Mayer and Columbia Pictures.)