The hipster beard: A eulogy

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on our individual computers, tablets or cell phones to remember the life of the hipster beard. Hipster beard was born on an ironically gloomy day in 2010 — possibly before that, but at that point he was just referred to as “huge beard.” He lived on the chins of men who accepted his size and nonconformity, with a deep understanding that bare chins are a thing of the past. Men enjoyed putting unnecessary things in him — a manly bedazzlement of chin hair, if you will.

Hipster beard stayed humble throughout the Internet’s undying fascination with him — he knew who he was, and he was proud to exist — until his very existence became a threat. The Internet’s fascination with the hipster beard turned to distaste, and the very men who gave him life began to trim. His size suffered, but his ego lived on — not for long, though. The trimmings started happening more frequently, and eventually they turned to full-on shavings. Many affluent men in the hipster beard family were no longer loyal to the furry friend they grew and loved — including model and blogger Joel Alexander, of Instagram hipster beard fame.

Alexander created his own cult-like following on Instagram during the height of the beard, due to his ability to grow an impressive bushy beard. But in a shocking twist, he has declared the beard era to be over. “The big beard trend is over and done,” Alexander told Mashable. And he meant it.

Mashable has attributed the death of the hipster beard to yuccies (Young Urban Creatives), who writer David Infante explained as “a slice of Generation Y, borne of suburban comfort, indoctrinated with the transcendent power of education, and infected by the conviction that not only do we deserve to pursue our dreams; we should profit from them.” So, because yuccies strive for more sophistication, consequently requiring less facial hair, hipster beards must go.

According to Quartz, science also claims that hipster beards shall be no more — and science doesn’t lie. After a study done with 36 men at various stages of their facial hair growth, along with volunteers who were asked to rate the photos according to attractiveness, the results showed that both the clean-shaven and full bearded guys were rated higher when they were perceived as more rare. Scientists concluded that the appearance, or absence, of facial hair is more desirable when it’s less popular — which basically means that the more popular beards become, the less attractive they will be. (Obviously, everyone rock whatever makes you feel comfortable—you don’t need said hipster beard to be in fashion to do you.)

So in conclusion, to probably no one’s surprise, the hipster beard—as a symbol of our times—is dead. He leaves behind hairless faces, dull razor blades and nicked chins, and he will always hold a place in (some of) our hearts.

RIP hipster beard. You will be missed.

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