Here’s everything that happened during the “American Horror Story” Season 6 premiere

SPOILERS! American Horror Story: SPOILERS! That’s the theme of what we’re going to talk about right now.

Season 6 is here, and oh boy, it’s already a doozy. We’re only an HOUR into this new installment of our favorite anthology series, and maybe it’s best to think of this season as Murder House 2.0. But, this Murder House is actually a LOT more frightening, if only because we still have no idea what’s going on.

So, here’s what’s happening with American Horror Story Season 6: We’re not getting a straight linear story. Know how sometimes you’ll be flipping through TV channels, and you stumble upon a documentary-type show about people who have experienced ~weird~ things in their life? They have the real people telling their real story, with actors reenacting the scenes. That’s what’s happening here — and the title of the “show” appears to be “My Roanoke Nightmare.” Clever, AHS.

Lily Rabe is a woman named Shelby, but then Sarah Paulson is PLAYING Shelby during the reenactment.

It's like, American-Horror-Story-within-American-Horro- Story. Get it? No? Okay, well, hopefully it makes sense before the end of the season.

Shelby and her husband Matt (played by Andre Holland in the “real” world, and Cuba Gooding Jr. in the reenactment) are a couple living in LA (shoutout, real Murder House), and after a random act of violence, decide to pick up and move to North Carolina. Specifically, Roanoke. The two find a charming (and super creepy and abandoned!) house in the middle of nowhere and move into it. That’s where things start to go ALL KINDS OF WRONG.

First off, they outbid the house (and the 10 acres of land around it) from a group of locals who are not happy about losing the house and the land to these newcomers. The locals start to harass the couple, but we never actually see them harass the couple. It’s just assumed that these locals messing with them, even though stuff like TEETH start FALLING FROM THE SKY. Then Shelby is attacked while trying to relax in the hot tub. THEN, Shelby starts hearing and seeing strange things in the house, and is 100% freaked out.

Since he’s away on business, Matt asks his sister, Lee (Adina Porter as the “real” Lee, and Angela Bassett in the reenactment) to come and stay with Shelby. She’s a former police officer, who was fired for taking pain killers on the job. Shelby and Lee do not get along, and all they do is fight — and that’s when someone breaks into the house while they’re hiding in the basement and leave a ton of those creepy Blair Witch style stray dolls absolutely everywhere. There’s no doubt about it, it’s weird.

And then it gets even weirder. After a fight with Matt (you know, over the fact that the house is Murder House 2.0), Shelby gets in her car and drives away, and then she hits Kathy Bates with her car.

It's not actually Kathy Bates, but you know, her character, and can't poor Kathy Bates catch an AHS break?

Shelby runs after Demon Kathy Bates, and that’s when she ends up lost in the forest. It’s then that the Others from Lost Wes Bentley and his crew emerge from the forest with torches and scare the shit out of Shelby even MORE.

Who are they, what are they doing, and HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN LIVING IN THE FOREST?

While running away, Shelby trips and falls to the ground, and surprise, the ground is alive and moving. It's breathing.

…and that’s when the episode ends!!

Ah yes, doesn’t this make you wish for simpler times, when you just had a demonic Hotel to worry about?

It’s a LOT to pack into just one episode, and already, our heads are spinning. What’s going to happen next? Will this ever make sense? Can we please have the AHS theme song next episode? And where the heck are Evan Peters and Lady Gaga?

Settle in, because Season 6 is going to be insane.